Over the years there have been a few things I’ve always wanted to say to certain people. You know, I’ve got some shit to get off my chest. So I’m just going to let it all go.
To the guy that stands on the outer rim of the dance floor and stares at all the guys who are getting some like they are the devil:
Grow a pair
To the asshole on the football team that thinks he can hide the fact he likes in the butt by beating on some smaller guy:
You’re not fooling anyone. Besides, you’re secret lover thinks you’re dick is small.
To the roommate who ate my the last half of my sandwich:
FUCK YOU
To the mailman/delivery man who tries to make small talk when they bring you a package:
The only thing we really care about it the fucking package. Stop lollygagging and do your job.
To the ethnic barber:
No one can really understand you. We just nod after everything you say
To the chick in the hall that has loud, tantric sex:
The floor really doesn’t need to hear that you want your man to “spank you and call you daddy’s little girl”.
To the people that leave pamphlets on car windshields:
You are the reason I got a littering ticket you prick. Thanks to you I owe the state $300. Guess who now thinks your god is a piece of shit?
To the repairman that doesn’t show up:
Oh, any time between the hours of twelve and four my ass.
To the other driver that refuses to go when you wave for them to:
Stop looking at me. I waved first, so stop waving back. This isn’t a fucking meet and greet. Get your fuel-efficient shit mobile to the other side of the street so I can get on with my day.
To President Obama:
Keep on keeping on
To Michael Jackson:
Keep on keeping off (little boys)
Well I feel a whole lot better now. Maybe that’s just because I rubbed one out during this whole process, but who knows? Either way, I feel free. Oh, and one more. To the kid in class that laughs louder than the rest of the room combined as if he’s trying to prove the joke was funnier for him than it was for anyone else…SHUT THE FUCK UP!!…that is all
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