Paul Herzog's Fucked Up Dreams.

Every morning I wake up, lay in bed for a moment, then appropriately ask myself… “What the fuck was going on with that dream?” Seriously, they’re pretty redonkulous. Take last night’s dream for example. It started off fairly normal, all I was doing was trying to open a frisbee clinic in Canada with my 4th grade math teacher. Pretty standard. Then BOOM, my brain decides to throw a trick play at me. Suddenly, my highly successful frisbee clinic is ruined because, right in the middle of a seminar about a frisbees' tendency to cause one to become bear foot, a zombie on a snowmobile comes barreling right through the lecture hall. Not cool. Of course everyone is gonna be distracted by a zombie on a snowmobile, because it raises some key questions. First of all, how did a mindless zombie gain the capacity to successfully operate a V-Max 4? And secondly, how much more dangerous is this winter motor-sports oriented zombie than a regular “walk like a mentally disabled six year old” zombie? Obviously, these questions were racing though the heads of every stoner in my audience, and as soon as they deduced that a snowmobile riding zombie is in fact exponentially more dangerous than a standard zombie, they scattered like they were crack dealers at the start of an “all crack scavenger hunt”. So, as this undead induced pandemonium ensued, I’m trying to maintain some order along with my 4th grade teacher, but it’s quite unsuccessful on account of my 4th grade teacher has decided to speak in nothing but lyrics from classic Disney movies. Its pretty inconvenient to say the least.

I’m like “What the fuck should we do?!!”

and she responds with “It’s better down where its wetter…”

“Is that some kind of sexual innuendo--”

“UNDER THE SEEEAAAAAAA!”

(Oh and by the way, I think its interesting that the lyric, “It’s better down where its wetter” is sung by a crab. Way to go Disney, you cheap slut.)

So anyway, the frisbee clinic is ruined due to that fucking high-speed zombie, and I wake up with this depressing feeling that I’ve been robbed of something great. Not because the clinic failed and that damned zombie is probably tearing up fresh powder somewhere like its the brain of a neurophysicist, but because I know that there is no way reality will ever be as undeniably awesome as my fucked up dreams.

Devin Liu 10/15/09 Blog 1

Devin Liu 10/15/09 Blog 1

Today 10/13/09 after stand up comedy class, it was about 1:10 I walked back into my room. I caught my roommate jacking off to black porn. He was surprised because he thought I got off class at 1:45 but since we had a blackout I got back to the dorm sooner. Right now he is just sitting there not talking to me because he is embarrassed. I thought it was kind of weird because my roommate is mexican and he likes black porn. Im asian and i prefer asian porn because thats who I am. At the same time, my roommate who is mexican, is rushing an asian fraternity so I don't know. When me and some friends came back from dinner, I slowly put in the key in the door and opened fast. This time he wasn't watching porn but now he's just watching Gossip Girl which I thought it was so odd. Sometimes my roommate lies in my bed which now I think is disgusting because I imagine sperm all over his hands.

Josh Abrams - A thought on the Psychology of Jokes...revised

Josh Abrams

The Psychology of Jokes

If your reading this then you either consider yourself to be a funny person or have been told that you are a funny person by large amounts of people throughout your life. So then you have most likely at one point in your life been put into the situation where your forced/expected to be funny and a majority of the time you end up not being. This is due to the unrealistically high expectations people have of us, the funnies. The funnies being the people known to be frequently witty and/or comedic by others. It sucks to be put on the spot suddenly and be expected to entertain. But we have all been in that situation where someone has said something along the lines of, “hey! your funny, make me laugh.” and then we try to come up with something on the spot and no one laughs and we all feel ashamed. Its a crappy situation to be in because most of the time the person demanding that you be funny is someone whos is known to be douchey and then when you fail as you are expected to, your reputation as a funny person is at risk. Unfortunately, their is no way out of these situations where we can make both parties happy, especially since the other person is hoping we fail. So I think the next time we, the funnies, are put into situations like these we should just crap in our hands and throw it at them, not unlike a monkey.

Apartments

Michael Madden
10/13/2009

Living in an apartment my second year of college is a blessing in every way. I have the opportunity to leave my shit wherever I choose without having to worry about some asshole taking it. I can walk around in my boxers freely at all hours of the day, even when guests are over. I can even walk around the apartment with everything hanging out when people are not home, or even when people are home. Do you know why? Because it is my fucking apartment! I can do whatever the shit I want! But the one thing that really gets me about living in this promised land is the bathroom. Let me inform you of the bathroom problems. It seems like whatever I am doing in the bathroom, everyone else in the apartment will be able to hear it. If you whisper to yourself while you are making sweet and sensual hand-to-penis love in the shower, someone will definately hear it. If you have the squirts after breakfast, you will most likely be waking all of your housemates up to the sound of your ass cheeks flapping. Worst of all, any amount of flatulence can be heard while sitting on the toilet. It is like the fucking toilet is a fucking microphone! It is really quite amazing! Your housemate could be in the kitchen making a special batch of brownies and they could hear your farts as if they just happened in front of their mouths, slowly making their way down their throats! I can't really establish what might be worse. Hearing someone in the bathroom masturbating in their own masturbatoreum, or being the lucky individual that gets to do it. Either way, someone will gain some sort of pleasure I suppose...

Welcome!

Welcome!

This is the blog posting site for Doug Holsclaw's Stand-Up Comedy class, Thea 80E at the University of California, Santa Cruz.

Assignments due at Noon on the dates as follows:

Thurs, Oct. 15
Thurs, Oct. 29
Thurs, Nov. 12
Tues, Nov. 24

Please post your blog as a "new post" and do not comment on other blogs. Have fun!