Halloween Tricks & Treats
So Halloween is just around the corner. And no one loves Halloween like little kids, girls in sluty costumes, and the guys that get to look at those girls. I was unaware how certain girls need to get two entirely separate costumes if they decide to go to two different parties around Halloween. This means they have to think of more creative ways to dress in provocative outfits that attract guys and make other girls jealous. After arriving at the party they notice how “sluty” the other girls look despite complementing them on how cute their costumes are. Then after the countless tasteless sexual innuendos regarding their costume they change into an equally revealing costume for the next night’s function only to endure the same looks and vacant complements. For real, this is what some of these dumb bitches do. As a guy, I could give a fuck less what costume she wears. What really impresses me though is the effort. This retarded ritual is undergone every year despite the fucking freezing cold, creepy dudes, and just plain demented social constructions that make females perform in this bizarre shit. Now I know all girls don’t do this but really hats off to the troopers that make this happen every year. What would the holiday where children dress up to get free candy be without the future wives and moms of America getting half naked in cartoon and literary character inspired costumes? All I have to say is maybe your tits don’t fit in your costume because it is meant for a child.
-Devon Bealick
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Politics Straight Up
The Governor of California, my man Arnold, can’t run for re-election because he has already served his two terms. So the terminator will be terming out this winter. This means that the upcoming race for Governor is wide open.
Meg Whitman is running for this open seat. She is the former CEO of EBAY, and I’m not going to lie I like the sound of that, I’ve scored off of EBay before, ….. Think of all the genius ideas she must have to boast our struggling economy. Here’s one, buy-it-now medical marijuana, I know it. -- Free shipping on all natural energy products. We could auction off redwoods to tree-sitters. So smart, that would turn bums into homeowners with the click of a mouse. Hell lets auction off Compton, to lowest bidder, and then have him put a boarder around that steaming shit hole. You ‘d have to be high to want to own Compton, right. Or well I guess most of L.A. for that mater.
But being real on this matter, really I feel like politics, or at least their ideals are just a bunch of trial and error procedures. All we are, are a bunch of imperfect induviduals, all with our own beliefs and cultures, together trying to create a perfectly flowing society. We need to come together as a state and also as a country during this economic struggle and work together, embracing our similarities and accepting our difference to move forward as a nation. The times are tough right now and I don't think people are as happy these days as they should be. I guess what I'm trying to get at is that the comic relief, is as important to society as ever.
Zack Oleinik
Meg Whitman is running for this open seat. She is the former CEO of EBAY, and I’m not going to lie I like the sound of that, I’ve scored off of EBay before, ….. Think of all the genius ideas she must have to boast our struggling economy. Here’s one, buy-it-now medical marijuana, I know it. -- Free shipping on all natural energy products. We could auction off redwoods to tree-sitters. So smart, that would turn bums into homeowners with the click of a mouse. Hell lets auction off Compton, to lowest bidder, and then have him put a boarder around that steaming shit hole. You ‘d have to be high to want to own Compton, right. Or well I guess most of L.A. for that mater.
But being real on this matter, really I feel like politics, or at least their ideals are just a bunch of trial and error procedures. All we are, are a bunch of imperfect induviduals, all with our own beliefs and cultures, together trying to create a perfectly flowing society. We need to come together as a state and also as a country during this economic struggle and work together, embracing our similarities and accepting our difference to move forward as a nation. The times are tough right now and I don't think people are as happy these days as they should be. I guess what I'm trying to get at is that the comic relief, is as important to society as ever.
Zack Oleinik
Social Justice for the Deers
Since UC Santa Cruz is such a liberal campus, I am constantly overhearing conversations about social justice, equality and politics from the cafes and bus stops. Sometimes the conversations can be so overwhelming and stimulating that I need to take a moment to be by myself. I will find a hidden trail and walk into the woods to clear my mind for a bit. Today, I was walking through the forest and I saw a family of deer eating from the grass. I asked myself, "I wonder what they talk about?" "Do they quarrel about social structures and about how one of their fur is shinier than the other and how the Papa deer shouldn't have custody of the baby deer after their horrible break up last fall? Since when did human beings become so complicated?
-Chessa Piker-Ward
-Chessa Piker-Ward
Grant Patrizio rants about Laughing...how he's a hyena, and how apparently that's NOT normal. Stand-up Comedy Blog #2
You know, I've always wondered why I laugh like a hyena when I find something to be really funny. It's something I've never understood. People I've spoken to said I either "laugh too much" or I "have a hearty laugh" or I just "let the laughter consume me." That last one's an interesting way to put it... But, then again, I guess it’s true. I mean, when I find something funny, I don’t just giggle or chuckle like some people. No. I let my entire body react to it. There have been points in my life where, I kid you not, I have literally ROFLed. For those who don’t speak internet jargon (which is just about anybody who’s ever gotten laid,) that means Rolling On the Floor Laughing.
Then there are those people who are the opposite of me and say to me “Oh, I never laugh out loud about anything.” People never laughing out loud...well, I don’t know about you, but I’m not able to believe something like that. Everybody giggles, everybody chuckles, and that's laughing out loud, technically speaking. I mean, I know I'm one of the world's only humanoid laughing hyenas, but COME ON. If you "never laugh out loud" then what's the point of having a sense of humor?
To quote Weird Al Yankovich on the subject: "Laughter is the very best medicine. Remember that when your appendix bursts next week."
Then there are those people who are the opposite of me and say to me “Oh, I never laugh out loud about anything.” People never laughing out loud...well, I don’t know about you, but I’m not able to believe something like that. Everybody giggles, everybody chuckles, and that's laughing out loud, technically speaking. I mean, I know I'm one of the world's only humanoid laughing hyenas, but COME ON. If you "never laugh out loud" then what's the point of having a sense of humor?
To quote Weird Al Yankovich on the subject: "Laughter is the very best medicine. Remember that when your appendix bursts next week."
Beyonce: Please Date Me
An Open Letter:
I love Beyonce. I love her so much. I listen to her in the morning, in the evening, at work and at play. One time I went to Costco, and on the big screen TV they were playing her music video for Crazy in Love. This boy was standing next to me and he must have been around 7 or 8. When she finished the dance scene, all he could do is look up at me and with his big brown eyes say “Wow.” I feel the same way little Timmy, I feel the same way. Beyonce is a force of nature. She WAS in a band with 3 other girls, and from the start it was always like they were her back up dancers. She got rid of those bitches as soon as she coined her own word. Let me repeat that. Beyonce made up the word “bootylicious” and it is now listed in the dictionary. So basically, this bitch can act, sing, dance, and shape and form our modern day English language. If that doesn’t deserve a nightly watching of her video for “Ring the Alarm” on youtube, I don’t know what does. That is why if Beyonce ever came across this blog while googling her own name and receiving copious amounts of head from Jay Z at the same time, I would like to tell her that I would love to be the person to shine her shoes or brush her dogs or even collect her droplets of sweat. Thank you,
Kat Brown
I love Beyonce. I love her so much. I listen to her in the morning, in the evening, at work and at play. One time I went to Costco, and on the big screen TV they were playing her music video for Crazy in Love. This boy was standing next to me and he must have been around 7 or 8. When she finished the dance scene, all he could do is look up at me and with his big brown eyes say “Wow.” I feel the same way little Timmy, I feel the same way. Beyonce is a force of nature. She WAS in a band with 3 other girls, and from the start it was always like they were her back up dancers. She got rid of those bitches as soon as she coined her own word. Let me repeat that. Beyonce made up the word “bootylicious” and it is now listed in the dictionary. So basically, this bitch can act, sing, dance, and shape and form our modern day English language. If that doesn’t deserve a nightly watching of her video for “Ring the Alarm” on youtube, I don’t know what does. That is why if Beyonce ever came across this blog while googling her own name and receiving copious amounts of head from Jay Z at the same time, I would like to tell her that I would love to be the person to shine her shoes or brush her dogs or even collect her droplets of sweat. Thank you,
Kat Brown
Blog post 2
I was watching TV… and i realized the absurdity of commercials...they always begin at a cliffhanger, they show your a bunch of products you probably won't buy and they're not long enough to actually do anything productive until the show starts again...and then I thought…what if people were like TV shows and every 10 to 12 minutes they would have a commercial break. You would be sitting in the lecture hall, and your teacher would say," There are three ways of finding GDP, the first is factor income where we sum the total income of factors of production, the second is the aggregate spending method where we sum up the amount spent by the household and government, and the third will be discussed right after this commercial break. And then the professor proceeds to try to sell you a rotisserie or the miracle blade. With just 4 easy payments of $19.95.
I think that conversations with people would be so much more interesting if this held true...people would be talking about their life and how they failed a test, and how they're so bad ass, and then their commercial would go on and it would be something totally opposite like a barbie commercial, or a commercial about milkquarius. I think the most hilarious example would be if the president gave a speech and as he talks about the dangers if a nuclear armed iran, and he goes straight into a girls gone wild commercial. He would start saying, "tons of college girls getting wild for you!! all for 9.99 call now, and you'll get a second video for free, thats right free. And then he goes back to talking about sanctions on iran.
I think that conversations with people would be so much more interesting if this held true...people would be talking about their life and how they failed a test, and how they're so bad ass, and then their commercial would go on and it would be something totally opposite like a barbie commercial, or a commercial about milkquarius. I think the most hilarious example would be if the president gave a speech and as he talks about the dangers if a nuclear armed iran, and he goes straight into a girls gone wild commercial. He would start saying, "tons of college girls getting wild for you!! all for 9.99 call now, and you'll get a second video for free, thats right free. And then he goes back to talking about sanctions on iran.
Sex in the Kitchen (cody reiss)
It seems like college is set up to prevent kids from having sex. It makes sense; obviously our school isn’t trying to have a bunch of baby mamas and papas running around. The first technique they use is co-ed bathrooms. Its pretty hard to get in “the mood” when you’re forced to take a dump next to the people you’re trying to woo. I mean I’m not saying that it’s hard to get girls that are interested. I mean how could girls not be interested when they see me walking down the hall in my silk robe, wearing $2 bright blue sandals and holding my matching blue shower bag. I walk around the halls, and girls are like “that guy is fucking sexy, sexy as fuck that guy is.” See… getting the girls is not the issue. It’s bringing them back to your room, which most often smells like pizza and weed, and getting the seduction on. Most often I’ll put on some Alanis Morrisette tracks, to really set the mood. Not to say that I don’t look absolutely sexy struggling to hop onto my bed, which for some reason is inconveniently placed way too many feet off the ground. Even if I do manage to pull myself onto my bed with grace, there is only about five feet across to work with. So I’m forced to make suave moves on this girl while I am pushed into the corner against the wall. With sexual contact in the dorms comes the conflict of “sexiling” you’re roommate when you’re trying to get it on. And when this happens you feel like you have to justify it to your roommate. “You made me sleep on the floor in John’s room… and all you got was some uncomfortable snuggling, and a 5 minute make out session?” “yeah bro… sorry.”
Swine Flue
Joseph’s Blog, October Twenty Eighth, 8:02 P.M
Hey, so this is my second blog and honestly, I’m a little upset I’ve waited this long to do it, I’m not really a procrastinator, and I really wanted to get this done yesterday, but with Halloween on the way, I just haven’t had the time. So, the topic for today is something that has been on everyone’s mind lately, swine flue. Honestly, I’m not worried about, and I’m not getting a vaccination, because people who have been getting have been getting sicker than they actually were. You understand that? And I know that people (doubting hippie parents) have been saying that since the beginning of vaccinations, but this is for a disease that really can’t hurt you. Ok, so a thousand people died, big deal, that’s no reason to worry, most of them were really young or old. Here’s the thing that people don’t get, the swine flu, despite being a slightly more severe flu, has a very minimal chance of actually killing you unless you’re an infant, one thousand years old or haven’t taken a decent shower in twenty seven years.
The other problem with swine flu that pisses me the fuck off is the fact that it causes so much damn hysteria. For example, Doug has the mike covers, but that is soft core shit compared to the larger scale of this world. Every time someone coughs, sneezes or shits funny they flip out. No, that’s boring, almost no one has swine flu and its not just going to happen to you because you coughed. People need to be educated, people who think they can get swine flue by touching a microphone are the reason the Holocaust happened, and the reason Wal-Mart is still in business. You know what would be nice for a change? If a disease came along, like the plague two, that actually was that deadly. Wouldn’t that be nice? I mean I would still have to listen to the freaking out day after day, but at least it would be warranted.
Hey, so this is my second blog and honestly, I’m a little upset I’ve waited this long to do it, I’m not really a procrastinator, and I really wanted to get this done yesterday, but with Halloween on the way, I just haven’t had the time. So, the topic for today is something that has been on everyone’s mind lately, swine flue. Honestly, I’m not worried about, and I’m not getting a vaccination, because people who have been getting have been getting sicker than they actually were. You understand that? And I know that people (doubting hippie parents) have been saying that since the beginning of vaccinations, but this is for a disease that really can’t hurt you. Ok, so a thousand people died, big deal, that’s no reason to worry, most of them were really young or old. Here’s the thing that people don’t get, the swine flu, despite being a slightly more severe flu, has a very minimal chance of actually killing you unless you’re an infant, one thousand years old or haven’t taken a decent shower in twenty seven years.
The other problem with swine flu that pisses me the fuck off is the fact that it causes so much damn hysteria. For example, Doug has the mike covers, but that is soft core shit compared to the larger scale of this world. Every time someone coughs, sneezes or shits funny they flip out. No, that’s boring, almost no one has swine flu and its not just going to happen to you because you coughed. People need to be educated, people who think they can get swine flue by touching a microphone are the reason the Holocaust happened, and the reason Wal-Mart is still in business. You know what would be nice for a change? If a disease came along, like the plague two, that actually was that deadly. Wouldn’t that be nice? I mean I would still have to listen to the freaking out day after day, but at least it would be warranted.
Women
Dustin Conlon
Comedy Blog
Oct 27 /09
Girls are fucking ridiculous. Sure they have to go through “giving birth” and all that good stuff, but that doesn’t give them an excuse for life to just make us fucking miserable 94.6% of the time. (the other 5.4% is during sex or blowjob) And ask anybody, ask even another woman, everybody knows that women have no idea what they want, or how to drive. It all starts in middle school where girls act like, imitate, dress like, and turn their personality into whatever they see on TV or in magazines. They have crushes on boys who if do not reciprocate this feeling, completely ruin their lives, and if they do then that’s too bad because she is already over it and into the guy sitting behind you in art class. Once they hit high school its all over, they like older men, they either turn slutty, geeky, athletic, or stupid. Sometimes it’s a mix between all of the above. It is during this time of high school which they truly peak, or start to climb towards that peak in some cases, and expect even more out of us as men. We are supposed to treat them nicely, but they don’t like that because in reality girls are attracted to men who treat them poorly, its like a challenge for them. But if we treat them poorly we are assholes, and that just isn’t good. We are supposed to know what they are thinking all the time, we are supposed to know what to say, and no matter what in any situation, if a girl is involved, we are completely wrong, no matter what we have to say or think. Another great part about women in high school, is they get all done up, looking very attractive, but we aren’t allowed to look. And the only ones who do allow us to look are the ones who are just plain sluts, and we get made fun of for looking at them anyways. But how is it fair for all the girls to wear push up bra’s that create a cleavage like the grand canyon, then they throw some sparkles and makeup on their tits, and yell at us if we look at them. But then they get depressed if nobody looks at them because that means they aren’t sexy. Once girls reach college, it gets a little better, they figure out what they want a little more, mature a little more, become a little more open to new things, or to old things that were just not comfortable for them. They figure out what they want is everything but nothing, always something else. They mature a little bit by acting mature and then breaking into a little girl at various times. They become a little more open because there is more alcohol in college. And they either want to just have sex, or have already started looking for a husband. But what is the difference right, they don’t know the difference between those two things anyways, and if they did, they in realistically don’t know which one they want.
Comedy Blog
Oct 27 /09
Girls are fucking ridiculous. Sure they have to go through “giving birth” and all that good stuff, but that doesn’t give them an excuse for life to just make us fucking miserable 94.6% of the time. (the other 5.4% is during sex or blowjob) And ask anybody, ask even another woman, everybody knows that women have no idea what they want, or how to drive. It all starts in middle school where girls act like, imitate, dress like, and turn their personality into whatever they see on TV or in magazines. They have crushes on boys who if do not reciprocate this feeling, completely ruin their lives, and if they do then that’s too bad because she is already over it and into the guy sitting behind you in art class. Once they hit high school its all over, they like older men, they either turn slutty, geeky, athletic, or stupid. Sometimes it’s a mix between all of the above. It is during this time of high school which they truly peak, or start to climb towards that peak in some cases, and expect even more out of us as men. We are supposed to treat them nicely, but they don’t like that because in reality girls are attracted to men who treat them poorly, its like a challenge for them. But if we treat them poorly we are assholes, and that just isn’t good. We are supposed to know what they are thinking all the time, we are supposed to know what to say, and no matter what in any situation, if a girl is involved, we are completely wrong, no matter what we have to say or think. Another great part about women in high school, is they get all done up, looking very attractive, but we aren’t allowed to look. And the only ones who do allow us to look are the ones who are just plain sluts, and we get made fun of for looking at them anyways. But how is it fair for all the girls to wear push up bra’s that create a cleavage like the grand canyon, then they throw some sparkles and makeup on their tits, and yell at us if we look at them. But then they get depressed if nobody looks at them because that means they aren’t sexy. Once girls reach college, it gets a little better, they figure out what they want a little more, mature a little more, become a little more open to new things, or to old things that were just not comfortable for them. They figure out what they want is everything but nothing, always something else. They mature a little bit by acting mature and then breaking into a little girl at various times. They become a little more open because there is more alcohol in college. And they either want to just have sex, or have already started looking for a husband. But what is the difference right, they don’t know the difference between those two things anyways, and if they did, they in realistically don’t know which one they want.
Ranting: Halloween Edition
Before you read this blog, take a second and search for one of the following topics on google images: "Red Riding Hood, "cop, "dorothy." Each time you search, you guessed it, there's a slutty female costume on the front page. I'm surprised anybody buys that crap. Every costume is essentially the same shit with different colors: The skirt that is short enough to use as a rubber band and the frilly blouse thing that would only marginally allow you into a "no shirt no shoes no service" restaurant. Throw in a pair or $4 fishnets and heels that are so tall planes have to fly around them and you've got yourself an amazon.com Halloween costume. Where's the originality? The innovation? I haven't seen a new one of those costumes since 'Nam. So, fucking fail costume designers, I present to you: The Best Costumes of 2009!
I feel like it's a great idea to incorporate current events into costume ideas (CHALLENGE: Try to spot 10 Billy Mays costumes on Halloween night!). What beter event to remind everyone of than the balloon boy? Take off with this sexy lady that looks freakishly similar to the hot blonde stewardess in Snakes on a Plane. All the guys will be wanting to spend the day in YOUR attic when you dazzle them with this great balloon buy costume. Only $19.95!
2009 is the year of costume revolution. Gone are the days of boring cop, cheerleader, and firefighter costumes. This year, try our brand new GREEN firefighter costume. Have you ever seen a firefighter wear green? We didn't fucking think so. Hell, wear some green lipstick like the girl in the picture. Eat some goddamn asparagus for all I care. It's green and original and you won't be wearing the same costume as that stupid bitch Paige Flegwood. What a whore. She totally copied your totally original 'sexy tennis player' costume idea. And then she had the balls to make out with Travis! It's time to show that slutbag who's the real queen of green. BUY IT! AAH!!! $55.99
Every girl is trying to make a statement with their costume, and what better way to do that then dressing as this fully operational battle station? You'll be getting plenty of proton torpedoes dropped down your exhaust pipe this Halloween. Includes battery powered tractor beam and light up planet destroying laser. Guys won't be able to repel style of that magnitude! $28.99
-Trevor Seyfried
I feel like it's a great idea to incorporate current events into costume ideas (CHALLENGE: Try to spot 10 Billy Mays costumes on Halloween night!). What beter event to remind everyone of than the balloon boy? Take off with this sexy lady that looks freakishly similar to the hot blonde stewardess in Snakes on a Plane. All the guys will be wanting to spend the day in YOUR attic when you dazzle them with this great balloon buy costume. Only $19.95!
2009 is the year of costume revolution. Gone are the days of boring cop, cheerleader, and firefighter costumes. This year, try our brand new GREEN firefighter costume. Have you ever seen a firefighter wear green? We didn't fucking think so. Hell, wear some green lipstick like the girl in the picture. Eat some goddamn asparagus for all I care. It's green and original and you won't be wearing the same costume as that stupid bitch Paige Flegwood. What a whore. She totally copied your totally original 'sexy tennis player' costume idea. And then she had the balls to make out with Travis! It's time to show that slutbag who's the real queen of green. BUY IT! AAH!!! $55.99
Every girl is trying to make a statement with their costume, and what better way to do that then dressing as this fully operational battle station? You'll be getting plenty of proton torpedoes dropped down your exhaust pipe this Halloween. Includes battery powered tractor beam and light up planet destroying laser. Guys won't be able to repel style of that magnitude! $28.99
-Trevor Seyfried
Blog 2: Abigail Cunningham: Weed in the family
Last night was the first night being here where I missed my mom, we don't really get along but I missed her mommy lovin, so I texted her saying “I love you and miss you”. Instead of getting a loving text back, it said “Your sister was busted with pot. OMG, talk soon!” What the fuck? Thats a great morning wake up to find out that your fourteen year old sister is buying pot. My first reaction to this was that she is so stupid and how could she ever smoke weed in 9th grade? Shes way too young! But then I got to thinking and I definitely started smoking weed freshman year but the thing is I didn't get caught... I mean I was a sly motherfucker..Then my parents caught on in like 11th grade but thats when I started to get sloppy. The key to staying safe around your parents is to only smoke at friends houses, never buy weed or just leave it with a friend and don't act all crazy in front of the family. Its weird that Im here, smoking weed and my sister is back home doing the same thing. I guess drugs are genetic. I know for a fact that both my mom and dad were major potheads so you'd think they'd understand. My parents found my pipe, TWICE, not because I was stupid but because my mom is a little sneak. Both times they freaked out and thought it was soooo insane that a teenager smokes pot with her friends. Now my sister is experiencing the ways of high school where everything is done is secret and you are ALWAYS paranoid. I guess I like college I can do whatever I want, whenever except you gotta watch out for those crazy CSOS....
Blog #2 October 29, 2009
Dear Bloggy,
You may not understand the concept of love and dating because you are just an HTML page but I think I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m destined by the universe to be terrible at it. I think this is partly my parent’s fault for naming me after a contestant on the Love Connection. Yeah good idea naming your son after someone who’s so bad at dating that they have to go on national TV to get find someone to go out with. The universe did teach me one good thing about dating; looks really don’t mater because when you’re a nerd no girl is interested in you. Hiding the nerd factor wouldn’t help because I live in an apartment full of nerds where all our nerd friends hang out and play video games non-stop. Sounds like such a good turn on right? But the nerd dating only gets worse when my best friend and I go to a party and try to pick up on girls. My friend hits on girls and then immediately goes into his comic book lectures about how awesome they are. So when things obviously don’t work out, we start talking to each other about our nerdy shit at warp speed. It feels like we can’t be helped sometimes. We tried being each other’s wing man but this never works either. Your wingman is supposed to have your back, i.e. looking out for you and making sure you’re making the right decisions. You can’t really look out for your buddy when you are more interested in talking to girls yourself. This year I’ve been working on NOT going into the geeky talk, but I’ve developed a worse habit. I’ve been telling bad jokes and doing things that have a more humorous agenda than trying to get on a girls good side. Lately I’ve heard of a concept of DTF and I don’t believe it’s true because a something so wonderful as that could not possibly exist.
Hugs and Kisses XOXOXO,
Jamus Hain
You may not understand the concept of love and dating because you are just an HTML page but I think I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m destined by the universe to be terrible at it. I think this is partly my parent’s fault for naming me after a contestant on the Love Connection. Yeah good idea naming your son after someone who’s so bad at dating that they have to go on national TV to get find someone to go out with. The universe did teach me one good thing about dating; looks really don’t mater because when you’re a nerd no girl is interested in you. Hiding the nerd factor wouldn’t help because I live in an apartment full of nerds where all our nerd friends hang out and play video games non-stop. Sounds like such a good turn on right? But the nerd dating only gets worse when my best friend and I go to a party and try to pick up on girls. My friend hits on girls and then immediately goes into his comic book lectures about how awesome they are. So when things obviously don’t work out, we start talking to each other about our nerdy shit at warp speed. It feels like we can’t be helped sometimes. We tried being each other’s wing man but this never works either. Your wingman is supposed to have your back, i.e. looking out for you and making sure you’re making the right decisions. You can’t really look out for your buddy when you are more interested in talking to girls yourself. This year I’ve been working on NOT going into the geeky talk, but I’ve developed a worse habit. I’ve been telling bad jokes and doing things that have a more humorous agenda than trying to get on a girls good side. Lately I’ve heard of a concept of DTF and I don’t believe it’s true because a something so wonderful as that could not possibly exist.
Hugs and Kisses XOXOXO,
Jamus Hain
Anthony Ishihara blog 2
So today i beat up a little kid. I mean he wasn't that little, he was like 12. Or maybe he was 7? I dont know. Whatever. He was some short kid with a lunchbox and he was hanging out with his little group of friends. So i walk over to the kid and im like, "Hey kid wanna buy some drugs". He doesn't bite. Appearantly this little fucker went through some "anti-drug" program and he learned about all the side affects of drugs, or so he said. But, me, i'm a pushy salesmen so i ask the kid if he knows what crack is. He says, "yes, a very bad drug". After all that i was destroyed. What is the school system teaching these kids. Fuck. They are gonna put me out of bussiness. Distraught, i walk off the playground; the satchel of various contraband on my side, I sit waiting for the next little kid who looks like he could use a "lift" While im sitting there i find my little friend, who decided that drugs were terrible, purchasing dope from the other guy who sells drugs down the street. Outraged, i run over to the scene. I slap the shit out of that little kid and i ask him, "what the fuck is up". He says, "Look at what your wearing, you could get me arrested with an outfit like that". No one talks about my clothes. I piledriver that little guy into the pavement. Then take off like thunder into the alley. I couldnt really stay to see the damage I had done but the story was all over the news. I think i really hurt the guy. Hes gonna want to buy some drugs now.After all that i guess i did learn something today; don't wear your police uniform when your selling drugs on the playground. And next Halloween don't dress up like a cop. Drug dealers make terrible cops.
Bullspit - Julian Burg Blog #2
So I guess I have sort of a bad habit of bullshitting people with a straight face. It’s funny what kind of absurd shit you can make people believe so long as you don’t crack a smile. I thought I’d share a few choice examples. Over the summer a boss of mine found out I like to make music and came up to me like “so hey man, I heard about your little side business… you make music or something?” I just felt like fucking with him so I was like, “oh what, my film score stuff?”
“you do film score?”
“yep.”
“like what have you scored?”
“you know The Wrestler?”
“noo way. That was you?”
“yep.”
“get the fuck out of here. For real?”
“yea, check this out…” (I proceed to do my shitty rendition of the Bruce Springsteen theme song like ‘have you ever seen a one legged dog something something something…’)
“Whoa man, nice!”
“you do film score?”
“yep.”
“like what have you scored?”
“you know The Wrestler?”
“noo way. That was you?”
“yep.”
“get the fuck out of here. For real?”
“yea, check this out…” (I proceed to do my shitty rendition of the Bruce Springsteen theme song like ‘have you ever seen a one legged dog something something something…’)
“Whoa man, nice!”
Well, I let him down easy and told him the truth—that I did NOT, in fact, score The Wrestler, and that I’m pretty positive it doesn’t have a score at all. In fairness though, you wouldn’t expect someone to lie about something as mundane/not tight at all as that, so I don’t really judge him for being gullible.
I’m more likely to judge people, for example, when they believe things like I’m half black and half Puerto Rican. Long story short, I told this to a couple of drunk girls a few months ago and they believed me. To set the record, I would describe myself as, uh, white (double-underlined) and maybe sorta Jewy. I had forgotten that I said this until weeks later when my friend said he was with those girls and my name came up in conversation and they were like, “wait, that half black half Puerto Rican guy?” That shit still cheers me up on rough days.
So I fully own up to bullshitting people, but sometimes I just make what I think is a clear joke and people don’t follow. Yesterday I was getting some food and they asked for my name, and I said Julian. The lady goes, “Julia?” I corrected her, and she says, “oh, hah, that makes a little more sense.” I took the opportunity to make a minor joke and I was like, “yea, I’m actually in a transitional stage. I’m going from Julian to Julia.” I swear I was smiling when I said it though, like all the body language indicators of a joke. The lady looks at me pretty sternly and says, “you know, my daughter did that. Went from Joseph to Joanne. So you can ask me anything you like. You on the hormones yet?”
Kara Kraus Blog 2
So I have been going to this school for the past 40 days. And while I have made some friends, I have also made some acquaintances.
You know – those people you have met only two or three times and you were intoxicated during at least one of those meetings. Those people that you are friends with on facebook, but not actually friends with in real life.
I always get noticeably nervous when I see one of those acquaintances walking towards me around campus.
This is the dialogue that occurs in my head: “Oh hey there’s Joseph Smith, that kid I met at that crazy Rugby party. Oh man I should not have had so many tequila shots, but that girl just kept pouring them…I wonder if he even remembers me. Fuck should I say hi? What if he doesn’t know who I am and I look like a complete idiot? Fuck he caught me staring. Fuck he didn’t recognize me. Quick look down! Look down!”
And then all of a sudden my shoes become incredibly interesting.
“Oh man the buckles on my earth brown Birkenstocks are starting to wear down. Oh wow my foot sweat has really made an imprint in the sole. Jeeze these shoes just have excellent traction walking up and down these hills.”
And we pass each other, each pretending that the previous few seconds were not incredibly awkward.
You know – those people you have met only two or three times and you were intoxicated during at least one of those meetings. Those people that you are friends with on facebook, but not actually friends with in real life.
I always get noticeably nervous when I see one of those acquaintances walking towards me around campus.
This is the dialogue that occurs in my head: “Oh hey there’s Joseph Smith, that kid I met at that crazy Rugby party. Oh man I should not have had so many tequila shots, but that girl just kept pouring them…I wonder if he even remembers me. Fuck should I say hi? What if he doesn’t know who I am and I look like a complete idiot? Fuck he caught me staring. Fuck he didn’t recognize me. Quick look down! Look down!”
And then all of a sudden my shoes become incredibly interesting.
“Oh man the buckles on my earth brown Birkenstocks are starting to wear down. Oh wow my foot sweat has really made an imprint in the sole. Jeeze these shoes just have excellent traction walking up and down these hills.”
And we pass each other, each pretending that the previous few seconds were not incredibly awkward.
Cory Donaldson Blog 2
I lost a good friend of mine recently due to some bad drug choices. He was such a bright soul, always extending his help any way he could. He didn't die or anything... he just completly lost himself while trying to find himself. Now isn't that ironic? Note to whom it may concern: don't mix drugs with self discovery. Remember it's all mind over matter and you are always in control of your trip. It blows my mind how people just completely lose themselves, they start to speak in riddles and they get this insane look in their eyes. It really freaks you out when they stare into your eyes and smile.. ya know? Like something out of a movie but this shit's real. Nobody wants to tell you in the beginning of your drug adventures that some people never come out the other side until it's too late and sometimes the damage is irreversable. It makes me want to cry but it doesn't make me want to stop using drugs. I just which that he could have been stronger, and smarter then to let the drugs ruin his life. He had to leave campus because he couldn't manage himself properly and now he might get his education taken away from him... in the end everything he thought he discovered about the meaning of life won't mean a damn thing cause he's going to be alone and crazy. Sigh. I found this bench in the meadow while trippin' the other day and I sat down and read this quote written to the right side and it said, "Love is the answer to the irrelevance of exsistence," and at the time I'd never heard anything so true in my life. I'd like to live this out in my life. I've always thought love is the answer but now I know for sure what the question was to even begin with. I hope my friend can mend his troubled mind with some love and time. Time will always stay the same and so will love. Everything else changes. Change is inevitable, well except from vending machines...
"Toilet Paper Troubles" by Jason Garcia (Blog 2)
The toilet paper in the bathrooms here SUCK. Any one who has ever lived on campus knows this fact. There is absolutely nothing worse than one ply toilet paper. It destroys your confidence, because you think it will probably disintegrate as soon as you try to wipe. After you’ve grabbed the amount of toilet paper you are about to use, the last thing you want to see is your hand through the wad. It’s impossible to feel safe or sanitary when wiping.
Imagine, if you will TP-ing a house with regular TP. It’s got to be the best job you’ve ever done. A minimum 108 roll job. When you are done with your masterpiece, you feel no better feeling than stepping back and looking at what appears to be a snowy fortress. It’s a beautiful sight to see. If you were to use the stuff we have here, the results just wouldn’t be the same. You’ll step back and the house will look like it’s covered with a slight fog or mist. Where’s the fun in that?
I’ve now been buying good quality stuff in bulk from Costco and selling out of my room for a 30% mark up on the store price. It’s turned out to be a very lucrative business and I’m flooded with customers. I’ve have begun the sale of different brands and softness by popular demand. I plan on expanding my business into the “used” and “refurbished” categories in the near future. I’m currently looking for a business partner
Imagine, if you will TP-ing a house with regular TP. It’s got to be the best job you’ve ever done. A minimum 108 roll job. When you are done with your masterpiece, you feel no better feeling than stepping back and looking at what appears to be a snowy fortress. It’s a beautiful sight to see. If you were to use the stuff we have here, the results just wouldn’t be the same. You’ll step back and the house will look like it’s covered with a slight fog or mist. Where’s the fun in that?
I’ve now been buying good quality stuff in bulk from Costco and selling out of my room for a 30% mark up on the store price. It’s turned out to be a very lucrative business and I’m flooded with customers. I’ve have begun the sale of different brands and softness by popular demand. I plan on expanding my business into the “used” and “refurbished” categories in the near future. I’m currently looking for a business partner
Nice Guys Finish Last: an Evolutionary Study
Josh Abrams
Nice Guys Finish Last: an Evolutionary Study
I’m what most people would refer to as a nice guy. Nice guys, like me, are always polite and friendly to everyone, but with tendencies to be awkward. These characteristics make it hard to find significant others because due to these traits we always end up in the friend zone, despite our higher levels of compassion and consideration. The friend zone as we all know is dating limbo. In the friend zone all romantic actions a person makes towards someone they are interested in is always taken as an act of friendship despite the obvious intentions of romantic interest. I have been experiencing this phenomenon for too long now and have decided to discover why it occurs so frequently. What I aimed to find out is why do girls of value and intelligence always go for guys who treat them poorly when their are plenty of more gentlemanly guys available who know how to treat ladies like ladies. What I have concluded is that this occurs because of evolution. Douchey guys were always out clubbing the saber tooth tigers and T-rexes, half the time for food and defense and the rest of the time for no reason what so ever. The Cro-Magnon women back then was attracted to these tendencies and rightfully so. But as evolution, technology, and feminism have increased through the years you think that this trend would have petered off. But it hasn’t. It makes no sense. I don’t understand women or the choices they make. Fuck dating.
Nice Guys Finish Last: an Evolutionary Study
I’m what most people would refer to as a nice guy. Nice guys, like me, are always polite and friendly to everyone, but with tendencies to be awkward. These characteristics make it hard to find significant others because due to these traits we always end up in the friend zone, despite our higher levels of compassion and consideration. The friend zone as we all know is dating limbo. In the friend zone all romantic actions a person makes towards someone they are interested in is always taken as an act of friendship despite the obvious intentions of romantic interest. I have been experiencing this phenomenon for too long now and have decided to discover why it occurs so frequently. What I aimed to find out is why do girls of value and intelligence always go for guys who treat them poorly when their are plenty of more gentlemanly guys available who know how to treat ladies like ladies. What I have concluded is that this occurs because of evolution. Douchey guys were always out clubbing the saber tooth tigers and T-rexes, half the time for food and defense and the rest of the time for no reason what so ever. The Cro-Magnon women back then was attracted to these tendencies and rightfully so. But as evolution, technology, and feminism have increased through the years you think that this trend would have petered off. But it hasn’t. It makes no sense. I don’t understand women or the choices they make. Fuck dating.
Tyler Watson Blog 2
This blog is different from the last, not related.
So it turns out my baby only eats cooked carrots, bullshit. The circus has come to town, and I am this close to having enough money to go, if it weren’t for my baby. I hear they have a lion this year, which would be awesome to see. I’ve dreamed of lions in my sleep, dreamed of them. But this stupid baby of mine keeps pooping itself and it takes me three hours to clean it up. I’m this close to putting it into a daycare service I swear. I got a job promotion at the q-tip factory, a three thousand dollar raise, but I missed my first day of work because my baby pooped. And my baby only eats cooked carrots, so you can vividly picture what that poop looks like. I need to get my baby diapers, that might be one of the reasons that it takes me so long to clean it up, but I really want to go to the circus, they say that someone is going to stick their head into the lion’s head. I really want to see that, because there’s a good chance that that person will get their head bitten off. Lions probably like it when you stick your head in their mouths. Dammit, talking about this circus again, I have to go! I guess I’ll have to sell my baby’s crib, that thing cost a hundred dollars! I could probably sell it in time for the circus for at least two dollars, that’s all I’m short. The circus is so close I can almost taste it. I’m going to have to sneak into Mr. McGregor’s garden and steal more carrots. It’s a pain in my ass. Plus, I actually have a pain in my ass that I need to have the doctor look at. BUt these carrots, I have to pull them out of the ground and stuff. All for my baby. The things I do for parenthood, I swear.
So it turns out my baby only eats cooked carrots, bullshit. The circus has come to town, and I am this close to having enough money to go, if it weren’t for my baby. I hear they have a lion this year, which would be awesome to see. I’ve dreamed of lions in my sleep, dreamed of them. But this stupid baby of mine keeps pooping itself and it takes me three hours to clean it up. I’m this close to putting it into a daycare service I swear. I got a job promotion at the q-tip factory, a three thousand dollar raise, but I missed my first day of work because my baby pooped. And my baby only eats cooked carrots, so you can vividly picture what that poop looks like. I need to get my baby diapers, that might be one of the reasons that it takes me so long to clean it up, but I really want to go to the circus, they say that someone is going to stick their head into the lion’s head. I really want to see that, because there’s a good chance that that person will get their head bitten off. Lions probably like it when you stick your head in their mouths. Dammit, talking about this circus again, I have to go! I guess I’ll have to sell my baby’s crib, that thing cost a hundred dollars! I could probably sell it in time for the circus for at least two dollars, that’s all I’m short. The circus is so close I can almost taste it. I’m going to have to sneak into Mr. McGregor’s garden and steal more carrots. It’s a pain in my ass. Plus, I actually have a pain in my ass that I need to have the doctor look at. BUt these carrots, I have to pull them out of the ground and stuff. All for my baby. The things I do for parenthood, I swear.
"That Minty Fresh Feeling, No Matter What" - Madelyn Somers
So when I went to school in the United Kingdom, yeah I sound conceited, but hey they’re funny people and provide for great material, so shut up. Anyway, no offense to them, but the English school system is like having a candle stick appear over your head instead of a light bulb*, it could use an upgrade. *May I suggest the Halogen Sustainable Energy Saver? Not unlike Harry Potter they don’t use the internet to “shop” for classes, everything is pen to paper. Like how am I supposed to get my online shopping fix if I can’t add classes to my cart?
I’m very particular about what I put under my arms as I am with what I put up, in, and around my gina, so when I recently went to Savons, I mean Longs, fuck, CVS and stood in front of the shelf for a good 30 minutes, I was totally perplexed about this whole redefining of antiperspirant. I left having bought spray on deodorant today because the glide on looked like a pariah on the shelf. I went home and used it and it felt like I was spraying Binaca in the pit and I would never, ever spray Bianca in, or around the poontang, unless...hmm, and then I thought about it, actually that might not be such a bad idea, you know for that “minty fresh feeling, no matter what” I tried it and you know that two second delay and then the AHHH FUCKING HELL THAT HURTS LIKE A BITCH CUNT MOTHER FUCKER! Yeah, felt like I was using a can of aerosol and tagging in the wrong alley. I’d like a Surgeon General Warning, like everyone knows not to spray random chemicals in your eyes, but every other orifice is somewhat ambiguous, thank you.
I’m very particular about what I put under my arms as I am with what I put up, in, and around my gina, so when I recently went to Savons, I mean Longs, fuck, CVS and stood in front of the shelf for a good 30 minutes, I was totally perplexed about this whole redefining of antiperspirant. I left having bought spray on deodorant today because the glide on looked like a pariah on the shelf. I went home and used it and it felt like I was spraying Binaca in the pit and I would never, ever spray Bianca in, or around the poontang, unless...hmm, and then I thought about it, actually that might not be such a bad idea, you know for that “minty fresh feeling, no matter what” I tried it and you know that two second delay and then the AHHH FUCKING HELL THAT HURTS LIKE A BITCH CUNT MOTHER FUCKER! Yeah, felt like I was using a can of aerosol and tagging in the wrong alley. I’d like a Surgeon General Warning, like everyone knows not to spray random chemicals in your eyes, but every other orifice is somewhat ambiguous, thank you.
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