Yee yee, Halloween (Blog Cumulative 2 and 3 - Ben Siegel)

What to say about one of my favorite holidays. Halloween, halloween... Is this even considered a holiday? I mean it is not holy and it is not really even to commemorate any big advances in our society like veterans day ect. Here is a holiday christened by the Hershey and Mars companies and devoted to keeping the American Dental Society with fat tooth-full grin on their faces. In fact, the ADA probably benefits so much from Halloween, that it keeps their pocketbooks filled throughout the year. Its no wonder that right around this time all the biggest smiles are coming from Doctor Kivens and Partners as they speed away in their latest next-year model Porsche right after their fattie work haul in November.

Thats one thing I don't get about America, there are so many doctors but does that mean that we have one of the best health care systems in the world? Or that we are really just very unhealthy and in need of a doctor for every type of malady. Optometrists, dentists, podiatrists, gynecologists: whatever the name you get the gist of it, they are just all fancy words for eye doctors, teeth doctors, feet doctors, and vagina doctors. Mostly I feel, that going to college right now, everyone who aspires to be a doctor, or anyone who is going pre-med are either super interested in helping people, or trying to score a slow-large buck over their life's work. Most are capitalist humanitarians, or capitalmanitarians who know that if you've got a few random letters before or after your name you are looked up to and have much more reverence . Joe Shmoe M.D., Dr. Dumäss, or Douche- Bag McGee PhD all sound better with their Doctorate titles.

Going back to Halloween, do any of you go trick-or-treating any more? It seems that as soon as teens are legal to marry and fuck a 75 year old man, they stop sugar seeking on October the 31st. I don't understand this because who doesn't like sugar? I guess when kids get older they are more into just dressing up as their favorite character's or super heroes. A sexy cat, a horny devil, a sexy angel, a cute pumpkin, a hot parole officer, or just strait up a naked porn-star as long as a girl is wearing band-aids on her titties and a thong that is a perfect costume. My favorite is a when the unsexy girls dress up as sexy skanks, or just deck themselves all out in fishnets as they think that will increase their hotness factor by tenfold. Don't hurt yourself in this contests to wear the least amount of clothes though girls, October is freezing as fuck and every guys knows the chicks are probably to drunk to walk right in those 7 inch heels and mini-skirt. It might as well be rephrased as "Naked day (Except if your are under 18)" or maybe even a good costume could be a birthday suit.

I wouldn't mind going trick-or-treating myself at this age. It could be fun and who knows maybe there is some lonely health-conscious aerobics instructor tired of handing out chocolate covered strawberries to the 8 year olds on her block. Who knows maybe she would invite me inside to help her dip the strawberries and whisper sweet nothings into my ear. Or maybe I might even just bump into some kids who actually wanna do some tricks instead of treating. That was my favorite part, what's more fun than wasting toilet-paper by throwing it on someone's tree just to see them try and get it off. Kids are genius...

Ranting: Halloween Edition

Before you read this blog, take a second and search for one of the following topics on google images: "Red Riding Hood, "cop, "dorothy." Each time you search, you guessed it, there's a slutty female costume on the front page. I'm surprised anybody buys that crap. Every costume is essentially the same shit with different colors: The skirt that is short enough to use as a rubber band and the frilly blouse thing that would only marginally allow you into a "no shirt no shoes no service" restaurant. Throw in a pair or $4 fishnets and heels that are so tall planes have to fly around them and you've got yourself an amazon.com Halloween costume. Where's the originality? The innovation? I haven't seen a new one of those costumes since 'Nam. So, fucking fail costume designers, I present to you: The Best Costumes of 2009!



I feel like it's a great idea to incorporate current events into costume ideas (CHALLENGE: Try to spot 10 Billy Mays costumes on Halloween night!). What beter event to remind everyone of than the balloon boy? Take off with this sexy lady that looks freakishly similar to the hot blonde stewardess in Snakes on a Plane. All the guys will be wanting to spend the day in YOUR attic when you dazzle them with this great balloon buy costume. Only $19.95!



2009 is the year of costume revolution. Gone are the days of boring cop, cheerleader, and firefighter costumes. This year, try our brand new GREEN firefighter costume. Have you ever seen a firefighter wear green? We didn't fucking think so. Hell, wear some green lipstick like the girl in the picture. Eat some goddamn asparagus for all I care. It's green and original and you won't be wearing the same costume as that stupid bitch Paige Flegwood. What a whore. She totally copied your totally original 'sexy tennis player' costume idea. And then she had the balls to make out with Travis! It's time to show that slutbag who's the real queen of green. BUY IT! AAH!!! $55.99



Every girl is trying to make a statement with their costume, and what better way to do that then dressing as this fully operational battle station? You'll be getting plenty of proton torpedoes dropped down your exhaust pipe this Halloween. Includes battery powered tractor beam and light up planet destroying laser. Guys won't be able to repel style of that magnitude! $28.99


-Trevor Seyfried