I just listened to my last episode of Loveline. No, this is not a porn thing. I didn't take the audio from porn movies and put it in my ipod to listen to on the bus. that would be crazy. No, I am talking about Loveline the radio show. I downloaded 50 gigs of loveline. 1617 hours of it. It took me three years to listen to it all. Now I'm ready for a healthy relationship!
It's Loveline with Adam Carolla and Dr. Drew, and I am now an expert in everything. Want to know the name of a disease? I'm your guy. Argue the merits of Plan B contraception? That's me, mutha fucka. Psychological advice? I already got the couch. I've heard so much misery and pain during those 1078 episodes that my life seemed awesome. But I ran out. I'm fucking out, man. I need that fix. How am I supposed to feel better about myself if I can't listen to stupid teenagers and their stupid problems? I can only watch so much MTV programming. I might have to start going to NA meetings to get my fix of misery. Don't judge me, ok? Just because I listened to 1617 hours of teen angst without dating a high school girl does not mean I'm crazy.
I would listen to Loveline while I tried to go to bed, and it would always give me the best dreams. Mmmmmm....threeway....on an sinking ship...with pirates..... That reminds me of another segway. I love how guys can remember every exact detail of their dreams, but women can't.
MAN - I had a dream last night!
SOME ASSHOLE - What happened?
MAN - HavingsexwithAngelinaJolieonaspaceshipduringagunfight!
but Women...
WOMAN - I had a dream last night.
SOME BITCH - What happened?
WOMAN - I was being chased by a man...without a face! It was so blurry, I don't know what happened!
SOME BITCH - Did you eat a burrito before you went to bed?
Anyway, that's my time. I'm on a public library computer and the homeless person is waiting to lookup porn and masturbate.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
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