Well, it’s been a week and a half of me being on crutches, so I thought I might tell you what it’s like to be a cripple. There are several pros and cons to being crippled, so I thought instead of trying to write figuratively, I would just make a list.
Pro-Pretty girls offer to carry my food for me.
Con- when no pretty girls are around, the weird guy with the extremely thin moustache offers to carry my food. Then he continues to talk to me, and when I leave the dining hall he keeps talking to me. It’s not like I can run away.
Pro- girls flock to me to ask me what happened and give me sympathy.
Con- Once those girls realize how bitter and openly angry about being crippled I am, they run away, glancing back with an awkward look.
Pro-I have an excuse to use the elevator without being called lazy.
Con- When I try to go down stairs, I trip and hurt my other foot. Then I’m forever known as “that cripple who tripped”.
Pro-Everyone wants to use them.
Con-When they use them, I can’t walk.
Pro- I get priority seats on the bus.
Con- The front of the bus sucks. Plus, sometimes you get the annoying bus driver who always, ALWAYS seems to have a little anecdote about being on crutches. Either that or he pretends to offer you drugs and doesn’t deliver.
Pro- The muscles in my shoulder are bulging.
Con- The rest of my muscles are still puny, which makes me look like a poorly inflated balloon animal.
Pro- I’ve learned how to go really fast on crutches.
Con- I’ve got red marks in my armpits that make it look like I’ve been teaching a brand new sex move to everyone for the past week.
And that, my friends, is the life of a cripple. By the way, being drunk on crutches RULES. Try it.
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