Hi. I'm from a little town in Arkansas called Chew With Your God Damn Mouth Shut.

It's weird how little things that most people don't notice bother me. And I tell you this story in the hopes that I don't seem completely neurotic, but we'll see. Yesterday, I was in the dining hall, comparing one banana to another banana (because god forbid College Eight should have to part with more than one piece of fruit at a time... pricks) and I was about to make my decision when I looked up and saw this girl. She had a tangled mat of dirty blonde hair, a pug nose, and a little black dress that she looked like she needed to fight to get into that morning. She had her plate of food and was munching on some of it before she got to her table. But she was chewing with her mouth WIDE FUCKING OPEN. Not just the normal open-mouth chew, when you accidentally bit off a bigger piece than intended, or you just open it once or twice when you're chewing. And she had an enormous fucking pie hole. It was as if she was so proud of the sandwich she made, she felt like sharing its demise with the rest of us. That, or she was going for a certain look, which must have been "alligator that needs braces". If not, that's unfortunate because she pulled it off rather intensely. If that doesn't work, here's another way to picture it: take a pug's face, file down the teeth a bit, stick some hay on top for the "it's cool to be messy" look, and stuff its gross, gnarly ass into a black Urban Outfitters dress. Then give it a sandwich. Watching this girl, I really had to fight the urge to some up to her, grab her by the shoulders, and scream "You're in college! You are an adult for Christ's sake, act like one!" I don't know about you guys, but pretty much everyone I know got over chewing with their mouths open when they were in the third grade or so. In fact, I worked at a day care this summer, and I knew six-year-olds that had better manners than this chick. That being said, I think I'm done here. But I shall leave you with this little ditty just to get my point across:



-Love,
Caroline Klink