Will's post

Will Poulin’s “blog”

An excerpt from my short time as a ghostwriter for J.K. Rowling after “The Sorcerer’s Stone” got really popular and she had to crank out a sequel before everybody lost interest.

Suddenly, Harry got hit with one of those balls that hit people. The heavy ones. The fat ones that do absolutely nothing but fly around ruining people’s days. The Rush Limbaugh ones, you know? Anyway Harry gets hit with one of those and it breaks his arm {add in adjectives like ‘sickening’ ‘crunching’ ‘searing’ ‘Rush Limbaugh’} He somehow survives the fall {magic?} and rolls along the grass as the crowd looks on in horror. Ron and Hermione run up to him but are pushed out of the way by professor Lockhart. Since they are quantifiably the worst friends in the world, they stand there and do absolutely nothing while the Dan Quayle of magic tries to help Harry’s compound fracture. Seriously, the bone is sticking out of the flesh in several places. What are you going to do, Lockhart, smile at it? Douchebag. Anyway, Lockhart goes up to Harry and rolls up his...robe…sleeves? {what do robes even have?} and gets out his wand to do some magic.

“No, not you! Anyone but you!” yelled Harry, “Ron, Hermione, HELP!”

Ron shrugs and continues to jam his thumb deeper and deeper up his own ass while complaining about how unpopular he is compared to the 12 year old wizard who nearly died saving hundreds of people’s lives like five months ago. Hermione appears to be reciting facts about the human skeletal system to a blank brick wall.

“Stand back, children” yelled Lockhart, “I’m about to do some serious magic up in here!”
He raised his wand and screamed, “Akefay agicmay atinlay apcray!”

“Wait, was that just pig Latin?” Harry shouted, “Oh you son of a bitc..”BAM!! There is a blinding, white light and Harry is thrown another three feet or so. He gets up and immediately tries to move his broken arm, but can’t. In fact, he can’t feel his right arm at all. He panics and grabs it, reacting with a mix of horror and disgust as he holds up a limpProxy-Connection: keep-alive
Cache-Control: max-age=0

C rubbery, not-at-all-conducive-to-erotic-imagery tube of flesh. Instead of fixing his broken bones, Lockhart had completely removed them! {dun dun DUNNNNN}

“Oh what the fuck is THIS SHIT?” Harry yelled, flailing his floppy meat-pipe wildly in
the air. Lockhart stood there and stared at his wand as if it had just ordered him a pizza. “Now, Harry, don’t panic, it’s just a slight mix up. But hey, your bone isn’t broken anymore, right?” Lockhart was really grasping at straws here. Harry was slightly displeased, “You took all my bones away you fucking ass! What the hell? What the fuck did you think you were doing? YOU ARE THE WORST WIZARD EVER. If Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen was a wizard you would still be so much fucking worse! Science cannot build a machine capable of calculating HOW MUCH SHIT YOU SUCK at wizarding, and I don’t even know what science is!” Lockhart stood there confused. He had trouble dealing with emotions that were not admiration. “Harry, that’s a little harsh, don’t you think? I was just trying to help.” He really should have kept his job as an Abercrombie and Fitch model. This was clearly not working out. “HELP??” screamed Harry. “Help? How am I supposed to live like this? What the fuck is Harry Jr. supposed to do tonight, just hump this flaccid piece of shit? I am so Rush Limbaugh right now!” At that, Harry sprung up and flung his arm around Lockhart’s neck like a garrote and started choking him like the bitch he is. “TAKE. THIS. YOU. ARE. THE. WORST. CHARACTER. EVER.” He was about to let go when there was a violent CRACK! and Lockhart’s head flew straight off, revealing him to actually be one of THE CRAB PEOPLE!!!
-end of chapter-