Paper: Problems, Precautions, and Playtime (Ben Siegel)

Oh the multitudes of use of paper. First off who woulda thought that by simply pressing a bunch of carbon fibers together we could get a medium to scribble, write, etch, draw, and doodle? A packet of paper is like a carton of condoms, self contained and taken as just an object it is not so much fun. However, after unwrapping and applying liberal amounts of imagination (or smooth talk) a simple sheet turns into hours of amusement. Both are patterned sort of, one ribbed for her pleasure and the other lined for his scripting ease.

However a piece of paper can turn into a nightmare easily. If not taken seriously a piece of paper can be used as a weapon. A lá paper cuts... Now I'm not talking about petty cuts from a motorcycle or car accident, but hardcore paper cuts. These things are worse than getting shanked with a 7 inch, switch blade. Luckily if you get stabbed in the chest you will only have to suffer for 3 or 4 minutes before you die of blood loss or get into an ambulance and pass the fuck out. But paper cuts, thats a different tale. Getting a paper cut on your chest would just hurt like a mother fucker. And you can't do anything about it either, complain or call an ambulance and you sound like a pussy, but suffer in silence and your whole month is ruined. That's the thing too with paper cuts they take a lifetime to heal up again, if they ever do that. A paper cut to the nipp, no thanks, I'll pass on that. Actually probably pass-out till sunrise. If there was an urban gangster street fist-fight and that one kid who always brakes the rules brought a piece of dry-ass crispy cardboard and a few fresh stiff index cards, everyone would cower in fear. Ninjas don't even mess with paper, thats why their arch rival is geishas with origami knives. Imagine walking into a papermill naked. Paper filaments a strew everywhere, and poor you without any clothes. I'd give you 15 seconds before you died of blood loss. Pretty soon airport security will be scanning for paper knives and any thing bigger than a 1'' by 1'' piece will be confiscated on the spot.

Too bad for the pen manufactures too, everyone knows thats why people migrated to computers. The worst they can do is delete your whole porn collection in 2 seconds. But still nothing is more classic than the 3 hours of arguing and bargaining with your Mom as she throws out your whole stash. Paper-cuts while jackin off? I'll take computers. Or actually plastic cuts are no fun either. Oh wait that's why there is actual attractive members of the opposite sex.

Fuck it, both paper and computers were just invented to bring together random hookups anyways. Pen-pals? Come on, more like fuck buddies, at least with modern technology people skip the bullshit and actually post advertisements for fuck buddies.

Word. Peace love and respect. Best of luck to all, keep laughing.