Nick Patti finally understands! (Comedy Blog #4)

So this is the last comedy blog that I’m writing for this class, and I feel that, in order to finish this quarter of cyber-comedy off right, I need to talk about something that I’m really passionate about. I really need to revitalize my readers and present them with material that I coming straight from my heart, right from the pits of my left ventricle to the ocular receptors inside your brain. I must tell you all something, for I have a bellowing urge to do so. Take this advice and heed it well, for it will surely help you, fair reader, in the years to come:

If you watch South Park, you will ALWAYS have friends.

I really just noticed this fact a few days ago while I was walking with my buddy to Crown Library to study for a test. As we were walking over to the library, we were just shootin’ the shit (which is a pretty gross expression if you really think about it, but I guess it’s appropriate at this point, because before we left, I was trying to flush a shit down the toilet, but every time I pulled the handle to flush the thing, the water would just slowly trickle down the brim of the toilet just as quickly as it would go down the drain, so the water wasn’t even draining properly, and my shit was just spinning there in the current, taunting me… So just to spite it, I left it there, alone and unloved. So far my friend didn’t say anything, so I guess I’m off the hook. Wow… that was a long aside, ANYWAY) and while we were talking he continues, “Yeah, it’s just like that one episode of South Park, you know? The one when Cartman gets a bowel transplant and the ghost of Billy Mays gives Satan a handjob?” (or something to that effect. I bet there are some episodes which elude to those events taking place, or that the writers of that show have at least played with those ideas, I dunno) And then it hit me like a ton of feathers, and I said:

“Wow, those feathers were soft and cozy!”

And then I passed out, falling into a deep slumber, but when I woke up, I came upon a revelation. I realized that during high school and college, eight times out of ten conversations with fairly good acquaintances start with, “Did you see the new episode of South Park?” which are, usually, followed up with, “Yeah!” and then quickly turn to, “Remember that one part when X happened to Y, and Z was obscenely racist to A while O was being made fun of for being a ginger, and then…?” and would keep on continuing as such until either the conversation tapered off from an awkward silence caused by one’s deficient South Park knowledge, or, if the conditions are right, the conversation could continue all the way to the end of the period, and all of a sudden their relationship blossomed from one of, “Oh, I kinda know him/her… he/she seems like a pretty cool guy,” to, “Oh yeah! We know each other! We’re pretty much the best of friends! I’d take a bullet to the face for this person because our collective knowledge of South Park runs deep! I love life!” It only took me a few years to actually figure that out…

But now I finally understand! South Park is the foundation that high school and college friendships sit upon! Without knowledge of South Park, one cannot socialize with others unless they’re looking to create a rather uncomfortable atmosphere amongst peers, or even worse, start a fight. One must understand South Park in order to flourish in the social realm, so a fresh awareness of last week’s episode is imperative for social success.

I didn’t watch any South Park in high school, so I didn’t have very many friends.

They also made fun of gingers in South Park, so I REALLY didn’t have very many friends.

And I just got this really cool Harley Davidson t-shirt last summer, but because of South Park, I might as well have “FAGGOT” emblazoned on the front of my shirt.

Thanks, FUCKERS.