Turning Tricks For Treats: A HO-lloween Special!

HEY GUYS! It’s Emily A, and you look lovely today. I think more people should put on semi-formal attire before they peruse the blogosphere. I actually can’t see you (you have to pay to use my webcam services), but I can only assume you’re a classy individual, seeing as you’re reading the 2009 UCSC Standup Comedy Blog. Probably only a little inbred, I bet.

Anyway, speaking of outfits, it’s almost Halloween. I’m going as a bat. A promiscuous bat. Just kidding, I’m going as a regular, homely, non-sexy bat. I wouldn’t know sexy if it danced naked in front of me covered in oil.

This is the “Google Images Dictionary” definition of sexy. I put it here to trick people into reading my blog. If you’re reading this, THANX GOOGLIE! Nothing like a little female objectification to capture the ol’ attention, amirite?

In any case, watching me trying to be sexy is like watching a giraffe give birth. The intended audience becomes awkward, uncomfortable, and occasionally covered in blood. So I stick to wholesome costumes. Last year I went as an aborted fetus.

Halloween for your average moderately sexy college co-ed is an entirely different story. The front windows of stores are already filled with scandalous outfits for the seasonal whore. All of the pictures for the costumes are just boobs, supermodel legs, and the word “Sexy” in the title. There’s “Sexy Waitress”, “Sexy Nurse”, “Sexy Sexretary”, and “Sexy Pirate” - the last for you non-traditional jobholders out there. I saw a “Sexy Alice in Wonderland” outfit yesterday.

After working at Hooters for six years, your hand just kind of gets stuck like that.

Before we get into all of the “I’d like to go down your rabbit hole” jokes, I’d like to remind you that ALICE IS SEVEN YEARS OLD.

So hot right now. That outfit is going to go GREAT with these come-fuck-me heels.
(Picture courtesy of Humbert Humbert)

Congratulations Halloween, you’re officially a contender in the Terrible Corporate Holiday Competition. Christmas, you best watch yo’ back!