The Importance of Beards
I’m a man. Approaching 20 years of age. Though you wouldn’t know because my facial hair is much more closely related to that of about a 9 year old. I know what you may be thinking, but having a baby smooth face isn’t all its cracked up to be. Sure, I’ll be able to get into Chuck-E-Cheez until I’m 30, but destroying kids at ski-ball is only satisfying for awhile (Plus I already have enough tickets for the PS3). Beards have a certain culture surrounding them. It’s true, think about it. There’s many facets of life I will never get to experience without the ability to grow a beard. Allow me to elaborate.
Say I become an astrophysicist, and a meteor is coming to destroy Earth. Without an unkept beard, how will my colleagues know that I’ve been working around the clock trying to save the world, sparing no time to shave. Nobody wants to work with a clean shaven astrophysicist, its a fact. Without their support, how am I supposed to save earth from the asteroid? Call Bruce Willis again? He did it in Armageddon, no way he’ll do it twice.
What if I end up being washed up, sitting by myself at a bar in Cleveland drinking shots of Jack Daniels? No bartender is gonna empathize with a guy, wailing about how his wife took his kids and left him for his best friend, if he’s clean shaven. You need the scruff to get the sympathy.
It’s also proven that if you have a good beard, you will win an argument. No matter what. You could be defending the right to eat puppies, and no counter argument can beat the beard. You just point to it and say, the beard disagrees. Win. All I’m saying is Chuck Norris has a beard, and would you wanna disagree with that guy? Doubt it.
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