Julie Roth, Babies, please

. I must be reaching my prime reproductive fertility age because every time I see a pregnant woman or a baby, I want my own little sea monkey kicking around inside me. Maybe you wouldn't be able to tell because right now I am seriously wearing adult-sized footie pajamas with an afghan (the blanket, not the dog) wrapped around me like I've been up all night trying to catch the tooth fairy. [My house is perpetually freezing, but if I don't leave my window cracked my room will get all stuffy and smell weird. MY LIFE IS SO HARD.]
. But in all seriousness, I know I am not ready to throw my life away. I, in no way, want some little pooper to keep me up all night alternating between screaming and clutching my breasts (this is where I would joke about my boyfriend already doing that, but lucky for all of us I am currently single) and then grow up so we can embarrass each other and ask to borrow money. Regardless, I can't keep my mind from wandering over to thoughts of precious baby feet and how good their fuzzy heads smell.
. Because of this, I constantly size up my guy friends, boyfriends, and any potential fathers in my life. Not in terms of how good a father they could be, but what their genes have to offer me. Aside from bad eyesight, I could be a poster child for health. I can eat anything and hang out with any animal in any environment because I am not allergic to anything (I'm basically invincible, you guys). I adore my friend Tom, but but I don't want his asthma and allergies tainting my baby's gene pool. And is it vain to want a beautiful, healthy baby? Does it make me a bad person to want to get with a tall, good-looking, vocally gifted Hawaiian Prince with beautiful hair to make some fabulous babies? No. No. No!
. Another thing I do to prepare is keep mental lists of good baby names. When discussing potential names for our children, my bestfriend said he wanted twins, then another one. The Twins (a boy and girl) we decided to give our own names but to the baby with the opposite gender. The Other he wanted to name after his father. I got to pick middle names. Our happy clan would have been Julian [from Julie] Button, Louise [from Luis] Peanut, and Adolfo Butterfingers. Too precious? Almost! While driving through Kansas on a roadtrip with my parents (remember how hard my life is?) on highway 70, we passed an exit for two towns: Tonganoxie and Eudora. HAVE YOU EVER HEARD SUCH BEAUTIFUL NAMES? I was dizzy from excitement. I started praying for twins girls that instant. The other night while driving through San Francisco, I passed an intersection where to the right was a street called Congdon and the left, Justin. Twin boys? Yes, PLEASE! Congdon will have to have a good sense of humor and be really cool, and Justin better not get jealous.