Patrick Webster Blog #1 "America, Heck Yes"

America is a very strange place. As a Frenchman, my sense of identity has been forged through millennia of bloodshed, conquest, and silly hats, to the point where we have settled on who we are as a nation.

Zis iz ze nue fashion from Paris, oui call it ZeJellyfish.

World War II was such an amazing show of the worst things that humanity could ever hope to be, that none of us figured we would ever be able to top it. It’s always bittersweet when you reach the crowning achievement of your favorite pastime, but we Euros got so good at depraved brutality that we just all agreed to call it a day. Plus, we were all too lazy to make another map of Europe. Have you seen what passes for a country over there? I’m looking at you, Lichtenstein.

Such a bullshit country

But I digress.

America, on the other hand, was like the person who takes jokes too far. It’s no problem when she joins at first, the more the merrier. But just as everyone has had their fill and is looking for a way out, she goes and drops the A-bomb in the middle of her punch line and ruins the fun for everyone.

Dude... No, uncool, man

The polarization of American culture, the “with us or against us” mentality from the Republican base to the vegans on the street corner, can all be attributed to, I think, the fact that America just needs to get war-laid. America saw all the fun Europe had been having, and decided to keep going even after everyone was done with it, like the lone reject still playing Pokémon when everyone else discovered girls. The unilateral invasion of Iraq is best understood when you realize that George W. Bush thought his new expansion pack was going to “bring it back” and get everyone in on WWIII. We’re still looking for a Charizard in Afghanistan.

I can't imagine what 9/11 would have been with 4 fire cards

Simply put, America needs to be at war, outside or inside its borders. Most Americans don’t need to attack another country to find a release for their pent-up bloodlust. Just look at slavery, the suppression of homosexuals, or NASCAR. There are so many different groups who absolutely despise each other, you just take a pick if you lack a sense of self-identity. It’s like an intolerance food-court. “Hey Honey, what do you want to hate today?” “Well, we could hate Mexicans” “ Nah, we hated Mexicans yesterday and you know how shitty I felt after that.”