Grant Patrizio reviews New Super Mario Bros Wii...what, you were expecting a rant, or something?

Surprise! Fooled you, didn't I? I figured I'd give the rants a break, and move on to something that only a select handful of people would probably enjoy: A review of New Super Mario Bros. Wii. I played through the game, and, despite the fact that I thoroughly enjoyed it, kept wondering... What exactly is "New" about this game? It's got Mario saving the princess while kicking King Koopa's Colossal Can. It's got power-ups, it's got 8 worlds, it's got boss battles, it's got secret exits... It's difficult for me to see what exactly is "New" about New Super Mario Bros. Wii. Well, we've got new(ish) level designs and location inspirations (a given) and enhanced graphics, but what people expect is a difference in power-ups. While the literal is new in this game, the effects have all been used before. Take Propeller Mario for example:
Now, this suit, with a shake of the Wii remote, allows Mario to fly in the air...Okay, the suit itself is new, but he's had...let's see...4 other, different powerups that gave him the ability to fly? Real original, Nintendo...Real original. Moving on to the next new powerup, Ice Mario.
Fun Fact; Ice Mario is NOT new. It was used before in Super Mario Galaxy. The only things that changed about it are Mario's look and the ability to throw Ice Balls...what else can he do? Pick up the frozen enemies and throw them...that's...it, really. Mario has one more new power-up though, and it makes this one obsolete.

Behold...Penguin Mario! Super Mario Bros. 3's Frog Suit on steroids! In this suit, Mario can walk freely on ice (as opposed to slipping around like an uncoordinated moron), swim with the fishes...er, penguins, and...guess what? SHOOT ICE BALLS. Again, the suit itself is new, but... Two ice related power-ups in one game, Nintendo? One totally outclasses the other, so you should have just made a choice and ditched the Ice Flower. Everyone knows that Penguin Mario is more badass.

So, since the storyline isn't new, the game play style isn't new, the vast amount of levels isn't new, the power-ups aren't new...what IS new? I'll tell you what's new. New Super Mario Bros. Wii comes in a Red Box. I'm not even kidding you.
That's just about the only brand new thing about this game. Everything else may have enhancements or modifications, but still has roots in a past portrayals of the portly plumber's princess procuring pursuits. If you want a brand new Wii game for your holiday gaming needs, get this one. It's red box will stand out among your other Wii titles. As for the game itself...not so new, but still oh so enjoyable.

P.S. I know what you're thinking, and be quiet. I know the last picture is backwards, shut up.