Listen, I am all for when it’s time to get down to business for a little dirty talk. An occasional moan or maybe some compliment about how my tits are so delicious that you want to eat ice cream off of them.. .I’m all good with that. But sometimes, I just don’t understand where you people get these ideas from. Is there some subset of porn that teaches you all this? (doubtful since I have a vast knowledge on rule 34). Since we have all gotten to know each other so well in the short quarter, I’d like to share some of the more interesting things that guys have said to me while the lights were low and a Montel Jordan record was on repeat.
“I just want to take you out into the forest, and make love to you amongst the trees and tell our secrets to the deer.”
This one left me completely and utterly speechless. First, why do you want me to get naked amongst dirt, leaves and used needles? Have you ever heard of a yeast infection? Secondly, why do you think that the deer would even give two flying fucks what are secrets are? Here’s a hint, asshole, deer don’t speak English. Now make me a sandwich and get out of my bed. Next!
“Uhhhhh so legit.”
This was something that in the right context could encourage me that what I was doing was on the right track, unfortunately, this was only during a tame make-out sesh. This just gives me the hint that you are probably a quick shooter and that if we ended up with some p in the va-gee time, you would probably finish quickly, get too sweaty and roll over. Also, “legit” is a slang term for legitimate which, by definition means “Being in compliance with the law”. And really, the things that I want to do in bed are probably illegal in most of the continental U.S.
“I want to stick my hand inside of you and treat you like a muppet.”
This one was when I fucked Big Bird. Not making that mistake again!
I wish that these quotes were fake, but they just further my reasoning for joining the convent. Have a great day!
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