Scott Curtis Blog 1

When speaking publicly about masturbation Mark Twain once said, “To the lonely it is company; to the forsaken it is a friend… They that are penniless are yet rich, in that they still have this majestic diversion.” Indeed wiser words have never been spoken, and I have pledged myself to living a full and vigorous life based upon the simple principle of self-abuse, a living code of conduct that I take where-ever I go. In fact, in all of my well rounded traveling experience the feat that I’m most proud of is the fact that I have masturbated in a total of ten foreign countries: including three pulse pounding sessions above 40,000 feet in an airplane lavatory; once in the renowned Parisian art museum the Orsay (Impressionism give me a hard on); twice while watching the surf crash upon Omaha beach on the Normandy coast; and finally once in a small bathroom outside of the Sistine chapel in the Vatican. Some people might say that my habits are disgusting or unhealthy, mostly my mother when she catches me in the act. To those people and to the world I declare that self-abuse is a victimless crime whose medical and psychological benefits are too numerous to count. However the most important benefits are that regular healthy masturbation lowers blood pressure, reduces stress and anxiety, makes for a more productive workforce, lowers the incidence of violent crime, keeps the poorest and most destitute classes from instigating revolutions, deceases the birth rate, and finally it makes for one hell of a practical joke. The aforementioned recommendation applies to both men and women so please I beg of you to punch the bishop until you can no longer; stir the trough and fiddle your skittle. Nobody knows but I’m probably masturbating as you are reading at this very moment.