A Pleasant Morning with Kirill Zaitsev

Morning yall,

So, if you knew me at all you’d know that I’m obsessed with being prepared, for anything, from being prepared for class (did I print everything, submit everything, etc etc) to going out to movies (tickets to a Very highly rated movie, I’m a college student… I’m not paying 10 dollars to watch crap; I can that at home for free) to dates (wallet, breathe test, signed letter from my psychiatrist saying I’m not crazy anymore). With pretty much everything, I like to read ahead and know what I’m walking into. So Yelp.com is a godsend for me.

It has led me to several wonderful restaurants, some great hotels, just good times. However, yesterday, I came across the Yelp page for San Quentin (yes the prison), which somewhat confused me. How do you rate a prison? Here's my guess:

3 out of 5 for Executions/ style
2 out of 5 for Client retention
4 out of 5 for their continental breakfast?

I mean, if they built an Olympic sized pool and added a spa, would that help or hurt the rating?

All that said, it actually has a rating of 2.5, so there are mixed feelings out there, because most of the reviews are either one star or five…. I wonder what type of person is leaving each review….

*insert transition*

I had a job, not so long ago, and I wore a necktie to this job. I like neckties for three reasons:

• They’re 100% useless and therefore qualify as the only accessory that straight men will wear.

• You can wear the ugliest tie in the world, and have no color coordination (another straight guy thing) and be alright.

• (My favorite) They are, without a doubt, designed to be portable nooses.

Before we had cyanide pills for secret agents, we had the necktie! That’s right, if you are trapped by evil commie spies, and you know you’ll be tortured until you tell them that American Military Secret (probably Martha Stewart's cornbread recipe is what they’re after), and you need a way out… Just sling that tie over a pipe running through your cold damp jail cell, say a prayer, apologize to god for your life of sin, and jump off the stool.

I just noticed that both my topics involve death… I’m actually a happy person, on the inside.

-Kirill Zaitsev