Me vs. Man vs. Food by Julian Burg

I don’t watch that much TV, but when I do it’s pretty much exclusively some “world’s craziest videos: seniors edition” (seriously) type of vibe, or if that’s not on, any food show can always fill the void. I’m sort of fascinated with food channel/travel channel shows. I think it was Louie C.K. who pointed out that food shows are like porn for another sense, which I think couldn’t be more spot-on. I find myself sitting in front of the TV drooling like “ooooh yea, eat that food. Oh SHIT I bet that tastes good. Now chew it. Yeah, now swallow it. Oh shit yea.” Then I can grab some Kleenex and mop up.
But of that whole genre, Man vs. Food is a real stand-out. If you don’t know Man vs. Food, it’s the show where Adam Richman, the fat gluttonous piece of shit pictured below, wolfs down 6 pound burritos and other food items that could feed a village in India for… I don’t know, weeks maybe? –And all while playing it off like he’s a rock star and doing these challenges ‘for the ladies.’

Adam Richman

Seriously though, I want to see this show broadcast on huge plasma TV’s in some decimated African shanty town, where I imagine droves of starvin’ Marvin’-esque kids with bloated stomachs and surrounding flies watching with no expression as Adam Richman “conquers” another 11-pound pizza (literally). He actually once ate (not even as a challenge, just as an indulgence) a bacon cheeseburger sandwiched between Krispy Kreme donuts as the bun(!!). It’s little instances like that that make me get up, yell “yeehaw!” while swinging my lasso around, and thank God for making this THE GREATEST COUNTRY ON EARTH. But he seriously bites into it and starts giving it a serious critique about how “the sweetness from the Krispy Kreme plays off the bacon so delicately…” and whatever. It was like a regular episode of Top Chef. Which now makes me think, I’d love to see someone on Top Chef solemnly present their dish to the judges like, “alright chef, so what I have prepared for you this evening is a sizzling angus burger with some melted American cheese and applewood smoked bacon. –Oh yeah, and I put it on some Krispy Kremes. Enjoy.” I’ve also decided that possibly more entertaining than the show itself would be the “Post-challenge shit edition” where Adam breaks a sweat as he drops DOUBLE DIGIT POUND dumps into some poor unsuspecting toilet. You know, for the ladies.
So I could write a novel on all the food channel bullshit, but I would be remiss if I didn’t make a mention of Guy Fieri.

Guy Fieri

There’s not a lot to say… I just can’t really get over the fact that this guy not only exists, but is somewhat successful in life(!?). Pretty unsettling. I probably say this a lot, but this Guy is stiff competition for the single biggest douchebag I have ever laid eyes on. This fool seriously looks in the mirror before leaving the house, fixes a few platinum-blonde spikes in his hair, and goes, “yeah, we’re good.”