Unoriginal (as of an hour ago) by Julian Burg

I live in Los Angeles, and have done the drive back and forth between Santa Cruz too many times. I’m sort of fascinated with the California coastline. I don’t give a fuck about the ocean, but I love all the beat ass little towns between like Santa Barbara and Santa Cruz. Case in point: if your town has a saloon, move. Don’t get me wrong here. I like jamming on the Honky-tonk/sipping whiskey/dueling/watching overweight brothel dancers as much as the next guy, but it started to get kinda stale around the turn of the century (1900). For real though, if I want to feel better about myself, all I have to do is kick it in these shitholes. Towns that are basically just strip malls and fast food, filled with these tragic, pathetic cross-sections of life. I stopped at a Subway and ahead of me in line was this classic all-American family. There was Dad with the handlebars, reflective sunglasses, Navy hat, and the sleeveless shirt--chillin with his morbidly obese trophy wife at his side. Then their two fatty kids and the big fatty grandma. So he orders “the Feast,” which is like every cold cut subway has piled extra high with all the trimmings. And he’s like, “and can I get double the meat on that?”

The subway guy looks sorta stunned like, “Uuhhh. Nah. It’s already like… this big (mimes it)”

“Huh. Well I tell you what. There any bacon on that?”

“Uh, no. No bacon.”

“Well, let’s put some bacon on there and uh… put some extra cheese on there too.”

sigh

So fuck that part of California. Hah, I love shitting on entire regions, especially because some people really take offense to it. I’ve never really understood that—like identifying yourself with a city or country or whatever. I mean It’s alright to a certain extent; if you wanna wear a hat or a jersey then knock yourself out, but any beef started over ‘repping your territory’ is unbelievably foolish. Maybe I’m just not a team player. But the common one you hear up here in Santa Cruz is the token NorCal vs. SoCal argument. I don’t really get it because A) NorCal is so gay, and B) who gives a shit. So to derail, I’m now reminded of a subject that cracks me up. Gays have always been a classic target for “fuck those people” throughout history, but I don’t think it was until recently (within my lifetime) that the word gay has slipped into the vernacular as a straight up synonym for “bad.” Like “Oh man, that test was so gay” or “Oh what! They cancelled Queer as Folk? Gay.” But I’m thinking why stop there, you know? Certainly people can get more creative with it. I’m trying to start my own versions, maybe you guys can help spread them.

“Oh what the fuck, the internet won’t connect again? Uuggghhh. So Middle Eastern.”

“What up dude, how you doin”

“alright, I was late for class today though cause I was waiting at the bus stop, and the fool makes eye contact with me and just blows right by. It was so Morrocan.”

For some reason they don’t seem to be catching on. And way to steal my idea Charlie (below). Ghey dude.