Mike Madden, My Apartment

Being in an apartment is something that is truly wonderful. I feel some ownership to it without ever pissing all over everything. That is, other than the time I feel asleep on the couch drunk. I couldn't control my bladder. What really gets me about my apartment are Asians! For some damn reason, my apartment has turned into something close to an Asian staging area. I feel like if there was a fire on campus or some shit, they would all report to my fucking living room! Now, of course the reason Asians are occupying my valuable space at all hours is two of my apartment mates are cute Asian girls, which means a bunch of desperate messes who are Asian can't be anywhere but the Asian Clubhouse at 2203! I have learned that it is a normal thing I walk out into the kitchen and see some Asian dude completely by himself sitting there playing his Nintendo and watching some shit on the lifetime channel. And for some stupid-shit reason, all the guys that come over are either named Benny or Ben. At least it is some white name that I can remember. Shit. Even one of my roommates, who is Asian, is getting pissed off at all the desperados coming over to be whipped by the girls! I think that every time they come over, they need to bring the gift of Asian school girls and orange chicken. That would make up for them watching Hannah Montana shit in my apartment.

Blog #2: Procrastina... ooh what's that? By Eric James Barger

Well, all two of you who are reading this, it’s once again two in the morning, and I have to write another blog. I think this stands as suitable proof of my procrastination that I’m doing my stand-up comedy assignment at the very last minute. But really, I have been having a hard time actually doing my work ever since I came to UC Santa Cruz. The problem is that once I start to work, every single other thing becomes amazingly intriguing. I mean absolutely everything else becomes interesting. At one point I tried to engage my roommate in a nose picking contest. Another time, I played a daredevil game called, “What can I get away with throwing out the window?” Needless to say, I don’t get work done efficiently.
I have a much different work system than most people. Some people take breaks at every paragraph or so. I generally take breaks after each sentence, or sometimes even after each word. I asked my roommate to read my essay so far once, and this is how the conversation went.
Natan: “Read it out loud for me”
Me: “The way.”
Natan: “The way what?”
Me: “You asked me to read it out loud.”
Natan: “Oh. I hope the minimum word count is two.”
It was then that I realized that I needed to start my essay out differently, so I deleted “the way”. I then gave myself a half hour break for putting in the effort to delete those words.


Before I go, I would like to say to all you amateur procrastinators out there: there’s so much to be done with coathangers. Next time you’re writing an essay, give them a shot. Also, crushing bananas is loads of fun. So, if you are ever in my room and it smells rancid, now you know why!

Blog #2 Devin Liu

When I first got here, I heard Santa Cruz was a beautiful city. Now I know it is only beautiful when you are thizzin, high, or drunk. The other day I went into downtown, supposedly one of the nicest neighborhoods in Santa Cruz. I swear, there is at least one crackhead every block. My and 3 of my guy friends, a sausage feast went downtown. The first block we saw a hippy try to hit on a girl. The hippy was like hey girl, come here, I got something to talk to you about. She responded what do you want to talk about, trees? sarcastically. Then this hippy responds I wanna talk about whales … I was thinking WTF?! Then we make a stop at Pizza my Heart where it is 5 dollars for a T-Shirt and Pizza. A hobo outside is begging for T-Shirts, not the Pizza. I guess hobos in Santa Cruz like to eat cotton instead of food. Then on the third block we saw this old man at a café, hes maybe 60 and he sees two young college girls. He takes off his pedophile glasses and says “DAMN do I see two ..?” All of us assumed that he was going to say “DAMN do I see two fine ass girls?” We reacted again like WTF when he said “DAMN do I see two Einstein’s in disguise?” I don’t know if it is me, but Santa Cruz is really weird. I barely see any gay guys. Im from San Francisco so im really use to a gay community but only Doug Holsclaw is one of the only gay guys I know here. Maybe I am weird in the eyes of the crackheads, but damn, what the fuck am I doing here?!

Patrick Webster Blog #2: "Future Marine Biology Grad Reconsidering Career Paid In Cute Stories, Endearing Moments"

Santa Cruz, CA - Patrick Webster, a junior studying Marine Biology at the University of California Santa Cruz, suddenly had a change of heart this Tuesday about pursuing his life-long passion of the ocean. Upon review of his monthly payments in the form of cute stories, funny anecdotes, and endearing moments, Mr. Webster realized that the feeling in his gut was not personal fulfillment, but hunger. "I'm cold, I'm wet, I smell terrible" said the exhausted student between applying for several unpaid internships, "It's everything that I was promised, but worse."

While he claims that he enjoys telling people about “that one time the baby otter sneezed,” turning lifelong memories and heart-warming experiences into currency has proven difficult. Constantly preparing restaurant quality seafood and cleaning its digested remains, Mr. Webster said he can’t help but feel that the animals are getting the last laugh. “They’ve seen the look of sadness in his eyes as he tosses them the food” said a fellow volunteer. “I know they’re mocking me,” Mr. Webster states, “Having a tuna sandwich is the only source of empowerment I have left.”

Though his week is split between a student job, volunteer and docent positions at the campus’ Long Marine Lab and the Monterey Bay Aquarium, SCUBA classes, challenging courses, and basic metabolic function, Mr. Webster is continually selling himself short for work experience. “Sure, I’m busy, but it’s all about who you know at the end of the day” he explains, downtrodden and teary-eyed, “If that means I know more about my professors’ office layout than how to interact with other human beings, so be it, right?”

Sources close to the undergrad have confirmed that Mr. Webster’s personal life may have begun to suffer from his choice of major. “He’s OK to be around when he’s not studying,” said one of his two female friends, “but the other day he skipped out on a party to crawl in animal crap for hours to have more ‘field experience’.” An exasperated roommate added: “I swear he thinks that his Behavioral Ecology class is relationship advice.”

When questioned about his love life since starting college, Mr. Webster became visibly agitated. “All the girls that I meet think my job is cuter than I am,” he says, “I’ve been a student of evolutionary theory my whole life, but now I have a sinking feeling I’m being naturally selected.”

“Being free labor at the whim of graduate students seemed like such a necessary step. Now I feel used. Marine inverts don’t have a spine, but no one tells you they don’t have a soul” he says, visibly frustrated. "I know I'm getting a B.S., but I feel like that's all it has been."

Blog #2 - Well, at least I'm not wearing a tacky Gap sweater

So I realized a while ago that I'm mistaken a lot for being gay. I'm not openly gay, or parade a No to Prop 8 shirt or anything like that, but some of the things I do is considered by a lot of people to be 'gay,' which I think is half-ignorant, half-amusing.

Like for example, I LOVE Project Runway! Every time I hear a group of girls talking about that show, I can't help but put in my own 2 cents on some of the contestant's awesome/terrible fashion sense, or how amazing Tim Gunn is. The real reason I love that show is because of the fashion, and for some reason, it's 'gay' if a guy is interested in fashion. But it does make sense, because most butthurt straight "IM NOT A FAGGG DURR" guys usually dress like shit. And it's those kind of guys that scare everyone else to thinking "Oh no, I shouldn't care about how I dress or else people will think I'm gay." And I think this is why a large fraction of the male population's fashion is dictated by Sears. Not even Macy's, fucking Sears.



But then how, in this unfashionable masculine climate, was I able to slip through the cracks and actually give a shit about how I dress? I think it was due to growing up in a house with three other women. But they didn't directly influence the way I dressed, I think it was those Vogue magazines. Whenever I went to the bathroom, there was always a Vogue waiting to be read. So as the years passed by, absorbing the fashion photo shoots and the billions of perfume sample pages while on the crapper, I developed a sense of what looks good and what doesn't. I'm no expert, but I do know a few basic things, like how black pants never go well with brown shoes, or that a simple color coordination can make your outfit twice, if not three times better.

So to all the straight bros out there: It's ok to care about what you dress like. It's ok to use conditioner every once in a while. It's ok to look like you care about your outside appearance. If we all had this mindset, then maybe all those european countries can stop talkin' shit about Americans being ugly.

-James Farmer

Blog Entry #2 - Chris Nuth

I just listened to my last episode of Loveline. No, this is not a porn thing. I didn't take the audio from porn movies and put it in my ipod to listen to on the bus. that would be crazy. No, I am talking about Loveline the radio show. I downloaded 50 gigs of loveline. 1617 hours of it. It took me three years to listen to it all. Now I'm ready for a healthy relationship!

It's Loveline with Adam Carolla and Dr. Drew, and I am now an expert in everything. Want to know the name of a disease? I'm your guy. Argue the merits of Plan B contraception? That's me, mutha fucka. Psychological advice? I already got the couch. I've heard so much misery and pain during those 1078 episodes that my life seemed awesome. But I ran out. I'm fucking out, man. I need that fix. How am I supposed to feel better about myself if I can't listen to stupid teenagers and their stupid problems? I can only watch so much MTV programming. I might have to start going to NA meetings to get my fix of misery. Don't judge me, ok? Just because I listened to 1617 hours of teen angst without dating a high school girl does not mean I'm crazy.

I would listen to Loveline while I tried to go to bed, and it would always give me the best dreams. Mmmmmm....threeway....on an sinking ship...with pirates..... That reminds me of another segway. I love how guys can remember every exact detail of their dreams, but women can't.

MAN - I had a dream last night!
SOME ASSHOLE - What happened?
MAN - HavingsexwithAngelinaJolieonaspaceshipduringagunfight!

but Women...

WOMAN - I had a dream last night.
SOME BITCH - What happened?
WOMAN - I was being chased by a man...without a face! It was so blurry, I don't know what happened!
SOME BITCH - Did you eat a burrito before you went to bed?

Anyway, that's my time. I'm on a public library computer and the homeless person is waiting to lookup porn and masturbate.