Patrick Webster Blog #2: "Future Marine Biology Grad Reconsidering Career Paid In Cute Stories, Endearing Moments"

Santa Cruz, CA - Patrick Webster, a junior studying Marine Biology at the University of California Santa Cruz, suddenly had a change of heart this Tuesday about pursuing his life-long passion of the ocean. Upon review of his monthly payments in the form of cute stories, funny anecdotes, and endearing moments, Mr. Webster realized that the feeling in his gut was not personal fulfillment, but hunger. "I'm cold, I'm wet, I smell terrible" said the exhausted student between applying for several unpaid internships, "It's everything that I was promised, but worse."

While he claims that he enjoys telling people about “that one time the baby otter sneezed,” turning lifelong memories and heart-warming experiences into currency has proven difficult. Constantly preparing restaurant quality seafood and cleaning its digested remains, Mr. Webster said he can’t help but feel that the animals are getting the last laugh. “They’ve seen the look of sadness in his eyes as he tosses them the food” said a fellow volunteer. “I know they’re mocking me,” Mr. Webster states, “Having a tuna sandwich is the only source of empowerment I have left.”

Though his week is split between a student job, volunteer and docent positions at the campus’ Long Marine Lab and the Monterey Bay Aquarium, SCUBA classes, challenging courses, and basic metabolic function, Mr. Webster is continually selling himself short for work experience. “Sure, I’m busy, but it’s all about who you know at the end of the day” he explains, downtrodden and teary-eyed, “If that means I know more about my professors’ office layout than how to interact with other human beings, so be it, right?”

Sources close to the undergrad have confirmed that Mr. Webster’s personal life may have begun to suffer from his choice of major. “He’s OK to be around when he’s not studying,” said one of his two female friends, “but the other day he skipped out on a party to crawl in animal crap for hours to have more ‘field experience’.” An exasperated roommate added: “I swear he thinks that his Behavioral Ecology class is relationship advice.”

When questioned about his love life since starting college, Mr. Webster became visibly agitated. “All the girls that I meet think my job is cuter than I am,” he says, “I’ve been a student of evolutionary theory my whole life, but now I have a sinking feeling I’m being naturally selected.”

“Being free labor at the whim of graduate students seemed like such a necessary step. Now I feel used. Marine inverts don’t have a spine, but no one tells you they don’t have a soul” he says, visibly frustrated. "I know I'm getting a B.S., but I feel like that's all it has been."