Dog

True story. Swear to god. My sister has a friend who was doing some house and dog sitting in the east bay last year for some of her family friends. The owners of the house and dog would ask to hear the dog bark when they called to check in, as they were very much infatuated with their pooch. The dog dies one day. The girl doesn't know why. She buries it and simply cannot dream of a way to break the news to the owners. She tries to break it to them slow. She tells them the dog hasn't been moving a lot, just kinda sleeping all the time. Concerned, they ask this girl to rush the dog to the vet. She has to break them the news. She says the dog died that morning. Dismayed, they ask her to take it to the vet for an autopsy and they want it cremated after the cause of death can be identified. She agrees. She digs up the three day dead dog, stiff with rigor mortis and wreaking of wet, furry ooze, and puts it in a big, green duffle bag. This is a golden retriever, so it about 80 pounds or so. She has no car. No available friends to cart her and the dead doggie bag to the vet. So she lugs lucky to a bus stop to wait for the trusty rapid transit service. A man asks her what's in the bag as the bus approaches and if she needs help carrying it on. Panicked she says that its stereo equipment and that she would love some help. He helps her on and pulls the cord. He punches her in the head and runs of the bus with the green duffle bag. There is a special circle in hell where people, delighted by a seemingly great come up, find their spoils to be a couple days dead animal remains. It’s just below the circle where fire ants crawl up sinners urethras. My name is andrew hine.

Kraig Heins the Movie critic

Um, Kraig (with a K) Heins the movie critic here. Now, as all of you are probably very aware of, I had never seen The Wizard Of Oz prior to three hours ago. So, within the past three hours I changed that, I watched it. I watched what is said to be, “A classic.”, “A great leap forward for cinematic storytelling.” “The best movie, since the movie about sliced bread.” Well, you heard it right here on Kraig (with a K) Heins’ blogomatic movie blog first: I was hardly impressed. I’d like to work my way from the end to beginning because as all of you know that is how I work. When the movie ends, a title came up which said “The End”. Now, any filmmaker knows you don’t have to tell us it’s the end to have it be the end. Just roll the credits or black out, that’s all it takes. Secondly, there was something wrong with the film quality because it went from sepia, to color, back to sepia, and this was very distracting as a viewer. The farm hands looked much too much like the lion, and scarecrow, and the tin man which was also distracting. Even worse was that these characters were named, “The Scarecrow”, or “The Tinman”, or “The Cowardly Lion”. Once again, we knew that this was true, we did not need it to be shoved down our throats. And don’t even get me started on the flying monkeys, which were obviously just cleverly make-upped people with fairy wings on their back, it just wasn’t convincing at all. When the “Wicked Witch” (really? and what’s the wizard’s name? Oh, Wizard, that’s right!) When the “Wicked Witch” melted I put my foot down and thought


Hi there, Tyler Watson here. It turns out that Kraig Heins has been typing his blogs in Sue’s attic without Sue’s permission, and in a very violent scuffle, Kraig was forced to leave. He left his computer however and I am not positive if he will continue these blogs from another computer, but for now, be patient please.

Julia Yeager, Blog 3

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Why Isn't My Life A Sitcom?

So the other night before I drifted off into dreams and after I listened to “Don’t Stop Believin’ on repeat to make my miserable, lonely life feel better, I thought to myself, why the fuck hasn’t NBC tapped me to star in their brand new Thursday night hit? I don’t want to star in their scripted stuff though, I just want there to be a sitcom about my life. Some witty name will be thought up like “The Kat’s Meow” and it will just show the day to day activities of me and the weird ass people I meet. Take for example the black, gay checker at Safeway that rang me out the other day. Now, this man is someone that is from two historically oppressed groups. As I was buying my delicious Maruchan brand Mac and Cheese, he picks up the package and says really loudly “What the FUCK? I didn’t even know Asians were allowed to eat mac and cheese?!” This baffled my mind, because I didn’t think any entire ethnic group would ban the delicious combination of pasta and melted cheese AND why did he ever think Asians would be the ones to do it? Would they get together at their next offical meeting and have the secretary say something like “uhh okay we’ve decided to keep the terrible driving and misogyny but we’re fucking gettin’ rid of that mac and cheese! I wanted to talk to this man further, but my busy filming schedule meant that I could not.

My next weird encounter was when I was enjoying a nice walk near the beach. I passed a group of men, probably around 40 to 50 years in age, and I mean, being the beautiful woman I am (real women have curves!) I felt that their eyes were watching me. I turned around (naturally to give them my number and let them ogle me some more) just in time to hear one sing to me “Hey prettttty lady…you got a lot of junk in your trunk.” I thought to myself that this man must obviously be Shakespeare, and in that moment I silently thanked my mom for giving me the genes for this lady hump that I’ve been carryin’ around since the 5th grade.

You know you love me,
Xoxo Kat Brown

Oliver Cruz-Experieince of having a car.

Well when the one thing that changed about this year is I finally brought my car. Back home I drove a lot and pretty fast. Even though I drove fast I never got one speedy ticket. The one thing my dad said to me before I left was if you get a speedy ticket I’m taking your license away. Of course of saying goodbye or good luck he had said that which was great. The one thing I notice since I brought my car is how important money becomes. Also there are a lot of people asking for rides. I remember at 3 am in the morning while I was driving back onto campus, a girl jumped in front of my car. I stopped instantly and I was thinking what the fuck was she thinking. She then said can I get ride and of course I said yes because she risked her life just for a ride. Then one day I was driving down high street and a cop pull me over. All I was thinking to myself is was my dad actually serious. The cop gave me a ticket for going 45 miles per hour on 30. I knew I had to tell my dad but instead I told my older brothers first. They were understanding but told me I am stupid for driving that fast. I told my dad after and he said he wanted me to bring the car back but changed his mind. Instead he said I had to pay for the ticket myself. I then told him but you got like four speeding tickets yourself. He then told me all of them were because of emergencies. I told him well my was too which was to buy call of duty modern warfare 2 before it sold out. He then just hangs up the phone.

Christopher D. Garcia: my most AMAZING blog ever

Comedy Blog #3
Christopher D. Garcia
November 11th, 2009

Yo, what’s up people! So I actually forgot to write a blog for all my fans a few weeks ago. Sorry guys! But don’t worry, I have a plan! I’m going to write a blog this week that is SOOOO FUCKING GOOD that it will make up for the one I forgot about… and maybe get me a blow job on the side. YES it will be that good… aww shit I already wasted like 80 words.

Alright alright, so let’s get serious now. Last week I did an open-mic night at Cowell College. Other than nearly shitting my pants from nerves the hour before show-time I did pretty good, mind that it was my first open-mic EVER. I ended up doing a more polished act of my talk about Old Volkswagen Bugs and Hippies, talking about how my speedometer doesnt work in my car so I have to count the lines on the road to know how fast I'm going. I was surprised… I didn’t bomb on stage and actually got some pretty good laughs out of the crowd. Or I don’t know, maybe half of them were stoned; it only was a performance at UCSC (wouldve got more laughs at Porter). Either way they liked it, and so my comedy “career” begins. I think I will look for more open-mic nights around Santa Cruz and San Jose to get more comfortable with stand-up comedy, I still have a lot to work on. Gotta start some where I guess…

Oh, I almost forgot to mention, you can find a video of my performance from last week at
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W_okmXH5Nls

If you watch it, leave me a comment on youtube. But don’t post some faggy little comment like “nice”. I fucking hate that…

Take care fans… sigh who am I fooling, I don’t have fans :(

Sincerely,
Anonymous Clown
umm.... i mean Christopher D. Garcia