I drink too many energy drinks now. Three a day, at least. I feel like I’m on a one way train ride to diabetic island. I don’t know why either, they taste pretty terrible. They taste like a mixture of metal and gasoline. Which explains why when they wear off you feel like you got hit by a car. Drinking them is just like the first time you drive a car on the freeway. You get on, and start going so fast, it feels amazing. Then two hours later, BOOM, you crash and piss your pants. Wake up like, “Uhh what happened?? Did I die?! Why am I peeing blood?”
Energy drinks always have badass names. Monster, Full Throttle, Rockstar. Which is bullshit because I’ve never felt like any of those things when I drink one. I’ve never been drinking a Rockstar and suddenly a bunch of hot chicks throw their panties at me. They should give them more accurate names like, Jitter Getter, Bladder Buster, or A Diabetic Future.
They have their own special section at the gas station too. “Over here is the normal soda...and over here is the ENERGY DRANK!!!” It makes you feel like you flew an F-15 into the sun.” The energy drinks are looking over at the normal soda like, “We don’t like to be associated with them...pussies. You drink us and you’ll probably beat a grizzly bear in a cage fight. Probably. Fuck a ‘Coke and a Smile’, we want some action, bitch.” You know that they’re made with bull semen too right? Who was the guy that was watching the running of the bulls and was like, “I bet if I blow one of those things I could move like that!” Bulls don’t even seem like the best choice. I’m waiting for the energy drink made with cheetah semen. That’s gonna be fucking chaos. You drink one of those and you will literally take down a zebra and eat it.
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