Mason Newstead

I had 3 pages that I had written before class, but I talked to you and you said it was okay for me to type it up and just mention that you had said that to me. But around 4:30 I wrote a pretty good set I think so I'm just going to post that and use that for my blog.

This isn’t made up, Im just explaining the blog that I just wrote for the past hour and a half
It was 4am and I was in the shower and I just kept getting all these reallyyy good ideas for jokes and I think because I’m high I was able to like jump around from idea to idea really well, but all my ideas were very dependent on each other, so I still had it all in my head when I got out of the shower, and I reallyyy didn’t want to just go to sleep and forget all this
So I typed it all up and this is what I came up with and I think that its a really good start for something good, now I can go in and just find the funniest way to say each little joke idea that I have throughout the act. But yea it seems like maybe I should just save this for the final because I want time to say everything. Oh and by the way I just wanted to try to give a little bit more explanation behind my joke today. My first girlfriend had a younger sister that everyybody thought was ridiculously hot, while not that many people thought that my girlfriend was hot. Like honestly, her younger sister was too hot for me even. So of course she has a lot of jealously towards her, and really the ultimate revenge on my ex girlfriend would be to hook up with her sister. So I had that idea, and the topic was breakups, and I just didn’t know what to do with that joke. So I figured like since everybody would be thinking that it was a reasonably younger sister (which it really was, and she was actually even like out of my league) that it would just be funny to suddenly take you all the way in the other direction with the wayy younger sister because that’s just not what you were expecting. I just said that as an idea initially to the group and they all thought that it was the best one that I had come up with. but that was my only intention, and I’m sorry for crossing the line. I was just hoping you could see how I came up with the joke in the first place. But yea, that really just wasn’t what I wanted to do a joke on. I've just been having so many ideas for observational humor. Please just know that I'm taking the class very seriously. I've been looking for humor in everything I can think of, and I've really just been trying to think of jokes all day long, there’s like no work In the class, yet I feel like I’m devoting the most of my energy to this class than any other. So I just got pretty bumbed when you said I failed today, because that's really not the kind of stuf I'm even trying to do, it was more just like all that I could think of with the prompt. Okay, well I really hope that you like my set, I’m sure some parts might not work if you just read them, but for the most part i think it’s pretty solid.
Okay, so it’s like 6:20 am and I'm finally done writing this...fuckin college.
So my friend Ralph just got a little boxer puppy the other day, and the tail was cut off and im like dude that’s fucked up to just cut a dogs tail off just to make it look more badass
And hes giving me all these excuses like oh well you know theyre like show dogs but they have this long pointy tail that doesn’t look good in shows so they just clip it off when theyre little babies and it doesn’t even hurt them
Iduno about you…but if I had a tail…and someone cut that shit off…idont care how old I was that would hurt like fucking shitt
So im guessing that theres like a lot of like animal lovers that get all mad about boxers tails getting cut off, and they probly have a bunch of rallys and stuf to you know “prevent this tragedy that is being bestoyed to all baby boxers” but I was thinking about it…and how is that shit any different from curcumsizing fucking babies….who also have no say in the matter
Like whos fucking standing up for them
I really doubt that theres any uncurcumsized guys out there who are lookin at their foreskin one day and just say one day…oh wow…this nice piece of skin that keeps my dick from getting dry…..i think I want to cut that off……
No, that shit would never happen
I think im going to start to protest the curcumsizion of babies
That shit is up to the fucking kid…not the parents
I like how all these pro life people spend all this time defending the rights of these unborn babies just so that they can cut half their dick off against their will straight out of the woom
Iduno
Just seems kinda ironic to me haha
But yea, I love my mom…she decided to leave the descision of weather or not I wanted to get surcumsized up to me….and guess what I decided to do!?
I know pretty tough call on that one
But yea I really don’t care
I mean I was slightly warmer than most people on the naked run
Haha
And I haven’t met a girl yet whos cared….actually my last girlfriend who I dated back in sd for like the past year was like a totalllll virgin before we were together and im almost positive that my dick is the only one shes ever seen
So of course in her mind every guy just has that cuz that’s just normal for her
But I kinda worry about her back home….like the first time she sees some other guys dick shes in for a pretty big shock….i mean theres guna be like a good amount of skin missing from what shes used to right?
Shes guna be like reaching down some guys pants (act it out) and pull out all the sudden and be like “oh my god! Are you okay? were you born without that? That’s soo weird…can I see?”
And hes just guna be like what the fuck haven’t you seen a dick before?
And I mean she has, shes seen a real dick before it gets chopped up
I mean you cant blame her for getting freaked out if she does
Id be fuckin freaked out too if I had only seen one vagina my whole life and then when I finally come across my second vagina in my life and it has a huge chunk missing…
Yea id be pretty freaked out
Haha
But yea, that just could never happen…Ive watched porn, like all guys im pretty sure, since before I was even old enough to get it up
Cuz I mean the female form is a pretty amazing thing
(possibly say to teacher something like “you really should look at one sometime” or something funny could be used just because he doesn’t find it amazing and beautiful)
That’s my ex girlfriends problem
I mean shes probly never watched porn her whole life….wich is fine
But shes in for that pretty big surprise wich could be easily avoidable by just watching a little bit of porn
Every single dick in porn is circumsized
It fucking sucks
When you watch porn they film it so that the viewer can put himself in the place of the pornstar or whatever….well I cant do that shit when nobodys dick on porn looks anythingggg like mine
Ill go through like 20 videos and I just cant imagine it
And then all the sudden ill come across a 30 second clip with a guy in it who isn’t circumsized…and im like helllll yeaa
And I just watch that shit like 4 times in a row and im good
But yea
Watching porn is tough for us uncircumsized kids
But I mean what am I really talking about… im pretty sure that anybody who really wants to jack off is fairly capable of that on their own even without a computer
My names mason newstead and im not circumsized!

Video Games in China

I recently learned some interesting information. In China, it is a common fact many movies/books/games are not released to the public. Not only that, but if a citizen of China has internet, they are blocked from ANY site that would give them information about Tienanmen Square. However, what I found most interesting is that they actually alter the content of some video games to conform to their views or beliefs. Intrigued about this idea, I decided to order a copy of a game I didn't think could ever change – Pokemon.

As hard as I tried to find Blue Version, it was an odd coincidence that they were all Red.



The first thing that you might notice is the slogan. Apparently the government isn't too fond of any one person having “all” the Pokemon. The game program sets a maximum number of Pokemon weekly so that no one can reach the level of Pokemon master.

The gameplay progression is totally changed. There are no gyms, but rather autonomous collectives surrounding Pokemon of a certain element. It was especially hard to figure out which character was the real gym 'leader.'



After finally collecting each one of the badges, I was quite surprised to find that the Elite Four have been completely taken out of the game. After entering a large building I was required to fill out a number of forms and told to wait 3-4 days for an official response. To what, I have no idea.



Throughout the game I had to deal with an evil organization that I assumed to be team rocket until the Gym Leader, Vladamir, revealed that he was the head of the KGB and the R did indeed stand for Russia.



I still haven't beaten the game. The final boss keeps taking away all the Pokemon I catch and replacing them with level 1s every time I get to his building. More word on this next week.

-Trevor Seyfried

Thanks Resnet! Luv ya!

SOO I'm James Farmer, and my first blog is a late blog! Though it isn’t my fault!

Well, it partially is, but it wasn’t due to negligence. In fact, I wrote a blog last night, but Resnet decided that since I was using a wireless router, that I don’t deserve their oh-so precious internet. I guess the school doesn’t want me to have wireless internet in my own apartment. It could also have been those 3 gigabytes of amateur porn films I was pirating…neahh.

Anyway, here was my ORIGINAL Blog, before my butthurt Resnet experience. Maybe I'll get a handful of points even if it's a couple hours late:

“Hello, my name is James Farmer, and this is my first BLOG!

Christ, I haven’t written a blog since high school. I kinda miss high school right now, actually. What I miss the most were the motivational speakers. I like motivational speakers not because they motivate me (they really don’t), but because they we’re my source for the newest insults. If anything, motivational speakers were the reason why making fun of kids at school became so appealing.

One example, a motivational speaker came to our school and was talking to us about bullies. He said, “You’re hurting these kids! You see a guy who’s wearing pink, and you call him ‘faggot,’ ‘homo,’ ‘fairy,’ and you’re slowly killing you’re classmates with these words.” I had my notebook out, and I would think “Hmm, I’ve never heard of Fairy, that’s a good one!” and I’d jot it down for later use.

My favorite motivational speaker was Michael Pritchard.

Look up this guy on google, he’s not made up. He came to our school nearly every year and talked about the same bullshit. What always disturbed me about him was his transitions. Normally, a motivational speaker integrates humor with their serious issues so that the kids can laugh while learning a good, well-hearted lesson. But Michael Prichard’s humor was COMPLETELY opposite of the message he wanted to deliver. He would do impressions, but then would talk about something awkwardly terrible literally several seconds later. He would say, “So my dad was a BIIIGGGG guy and he would come home *funny stomping/manly noises* and all the babies in the neighborhood would cry *funny baby noises* and my mom was a TINNNNYYY little woman who sounded like *funny high pitch lady voices* and kids commit suicide everyday and it’s not funny at all,” THAT’S how abrupt the transitions we’re! I’m no good at stopping my laugh when I start, so a lot of my peers thought I was some awful kid who thinks suicide is hilarious.

Maybe that's why I have such terrible humor.

-James Farmer”

Me vs. Man vs. Food by Julian Burg

I don’t watch that much TV, but when I do it’s pretty much exclusively some “world’s craziest videos: seniors edition” (seriously) type of vibe, or if that’s not on, any food show can always fill the void. I’m sort of fascinated with food channel/travel channel shows. I think it was Louie C.K. who pointed out that food shows are like porn for another sense, which I think couldn’t be more spot-on. I find myself sitting in front of the TV drooling like “ooooh yea, eat that food. Oh SHIT I bet that tastes good. Now chew it. Yeah, now swallow it. Oh shit yea.” Then I can grab some Kleenex and mop up.
But of that whole genre, Man vs. Food is a real stand-out. If you don’t know Man vs. Food, it’s the show where Adam Richman, the fat gluttonous piece of shit pictured below, wolfs down 6 pound burritos and other food items that could feed a village in India for… I don’t know, weeks maybe? –And all while playing it off like he’s a rock star and doing these challenges ‘for the ladies.’

Adam Richman

Seriously though, I want to see this show broadcast on huge plasma TV’s in some decimated African shanty town, where I imagine droves of starvin’ Marvin’-esque kids with bloated stomachs and surrounding flies watching with no expression as Adam Richman “conquers” another 11-pound pizza (literally). He actually once ate (not even as a challenge, just as an indulgence) a bacon cheeseburger sandwiched between Krispy Kreme donuts as the bun(!!). It’s little instances like that that make me get up, yell “yeehaw!” while swinging my lasso around, and thank God for making this THE GREATEST COUNTRY ON EARTH. But he seriously bites into it and starts giving it a serious critique about how “the sweetness from the Krispy Kreme plays off the bacon so delicately…” and whatever. It was like a regular episode of Top Chef. Which now makes me think, I’d love to see someone on Top Chef solemnly present their dish to the judges like, “alright chef, so what I have prepared for you this evening is a sizzling angus burger with some melted American cheese and applewood smoked bacon. –Oh yeah, and I put it on some Krispy Kremes. Enjoy.” I’ve also decided that possibly more entertaining than the show itself would be the “Post-challenge shit edition” where Adam breaks a sweat as he drops DOUBLE DIGIT POUND dumps into some poor unsuspecting toilet. You know, for the ladies.
So I could write a novel on all the food channel bullshit, but I would be remiss if I didn’t make a mention of Guy Fieri.

Guy Fieri

There’s not a lot to say… I just can’t really get over the fact that this guy not only exists, but is somewhat successful in life(!?). Pretty unsettling. I probably say this a lot, but this Guy is stiff competition for the single biggest douchebag I have ever laid eyes on. This fool seriously looks in the mirror before leaving the house, fixes a few platinum-blonde spikes in his hair, and goes, “yeah, we’re good.”

Alex Finlay, Entry #1, I hate my housemate.

My housemate is kind of insane. It’s not particularly surprising since I live in the Porter Apartments, but this guy isn’t insane in a funny way. “Anthony” bugs the shit out of me. He's the kind of guy that you want to die first in a movie so you don't have to watch him try to act anymore, plus Tweak from South Park. He never buys food, eats mine, and then complains when we have no food. He’ll wander into a room, into a conversation, and interrupt whoever is speaking in order to insert whatever is annoying him at the time (i.e. his major, his parents, me, his classes, his room, his lack of weed, me, his sickness [by the way, thanks for the flu, fucker], his lack of friends, me…). He hates me almost as much as I hate him. And maybe I wouldn’t mind him so much if it weren’t for the fact that he complains so much. In my household, I’m the one who’s anal about the kitchen and keeping everything neat and puts everything away. So “Anthony” asks if we could move the silverware to another drawer and, as a benevolent dictator, I consent to the change. After having the silverware there for a few days, all of the other roommates tell me individually that the silverware’s new spot is retarded, which it is. It’s completely out of the way and it was a really stupid drawer to put it in. But that’s “Anthony” for you. Completely illogical and unpractical. <---mmmm repetitive. But I can’t think of the right words to describe him, so fuck you. Anyway, I moved it back to its original location. When I told him, he freaked out and started yelling at me that I had moved it in the first place and that he was just getting used to how it was and then I moved it to the location he suggested. WTF. THIS BOY NEEDS XANAX MORE THAN I DO. We got into a huge fight that was basically like this:
Him: “Why are you always telling me not to eat your food and to wash my dishes and to clean up after myself???”
Me: *speechless*
He’s crazy. I came into this living situation thinking he’d be the normal one. I was wrong. The former acid dealers I live with are saner than “Anthony”. If you hear a story about a murdered Porter student, hide this blog entry.

Caroline's Trojan Troubles

All right, so... There is something I need to share with you that has been on my mind for some time. I'm a little worried because I don't know of anybody else who has a mind dirty enough to make this connection, and I truly hope I am not the only one who has noticed this, but as I sit here and honestly put some serious thought into what I've been contemplating, I continue to giggle like a schoolboy who's just seen boobs for the first time. Here is what troubles me: Trojan Condoms.

The name "Trojan" came from the story of the City of Troy. It was the most powerfully guarded city of its time, a stronghold. No army was strong enough to invade its walls. That's where the name comes from. The power and safety of this little sheath of rubber is epic in its ability to protect against the attack of armies of bacteria and viruses that are pretty much inevitable when you have sex these days. Its strength is limitless, its strength is...Trojan. That's the allure of the name.

My worry comes from the other possible interpretation. My interpretation, which pertains to the more popular mythological symbol from that story: the Trojan Horse. The symbolism of the horse is pretty much just to encourage the user to think that he's hung like one. And I guess that works, because Trojan is "America's most trusted name in condoms". But does anybody else think of the rest of the story of the Trojan Horse when they hear the name? Does anybody else realize that the Trojan horse was a device that infiltrated the impenetrable fortress. Once inside, there was much celebration. But soon after, the device broke open, and the little men within the device then left it and then disbursed and destroyed.

America's most trusted name in condoms is also America's most ironic name in condoms.
Just thought you should know.

Peace,
Caroline Klink