My A Maizeing Story

Back in Freshman year I was eating in the dining hall with a few good friends of mine, when it approached closing time. We had been there for a couple hours talking with people and grazing though the evening, when all but three of us were left. Just as we were about to wrap up our conversation and head home, we spied one of the workers walking around talking to each of the tables. We thought it was just a request to go home, but it turns out that there had been a huge platter of corn on the cob made, that would just go off if nobody could eat it. So we decided that we would take up the challenge and do what freshmen men do: have an eating competition. So they bring out their massive silver serving bucket of corn and quickly scurry away in fright. We would soon learn why. There was a mountain of this corn. A variable cornucopia if you will. But we knew we could best it. We start on the first layer, and we are joined by a guy from another table who wants to tag along on our glorious mission. However, after a single cob and a photograph, he runs away like the cur he was. After the first layer of corn was demolished we, in high spirits, chuckled at our once feared maizey foe and continued on. But the revenge of the corn had only begun. It may not be common knowledge, but corn is filled with two things: Starch and sugar. And half way though the second of the three layers the sugar highs begin to kick in. Suddenly the chuckles become, giggles that evolve into guffaws, that sprout into full on bouts of laughter. Suddenly it is a struggle to keep from pelting one another with yellow machine gun bursts as everything becomes funny. Soon the massive starches set in stomach cramps, coupled with the laughter, and the twofold attack of the corn monstrosity was fully waged. I wish I could bring you a tale of good news, but instead this must be a cautionary tale. Unable to finish the third and final layer, we stumbled out of the closed dining hall, its quiet interrupted only by spurts of laughter and groans. We were defeated by an unsuspectingly strong foe, yet with this adventure we had grown wiser. And let you, reader of this, know that one should never underestimate your enemy, even if it is only a pile of corn.
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Merlin Jones